Restoration: The unexpected edition

This wasn't the post I intended to write. This was supposed to be "Restoration: In which my garden actually IS a reflection of my life edition."

The morning Justin and I had planned to start our gluten-free, low sugar diet, the morning I was mourning my newly destroyed garden and my newly "offical" infertility status...I took a positive pregnancy test. Note to self: A negative pregnancy test does not an "official" make.

That positive did not bring me the overwhelming sense of relief I had anticipated it would. Instead, I took a deep breath and thought, "Okay. We'll see how this goes." And I have been holding my breath ever since.

I did gladly cancel my infertility appointment and make a prenatal appointment in its stead. That appointment was supposed to be on the 12th, but I called in the day after I made the appointment and said that given my history, I would really like to come in earlier. Could I at least come in to have my hormone levels checked? The woman I talked to fit me in that week--April 29--one day after my infertility appointment had originally been scheduled.

Justin and I went to the appointment with no idea what to expect. When we arrived (in a town 45-min away) the midwife we met with said her notes said that I was there to "ask a few questions." Um no. Questions were not going to get me the answers I was seeking. She was so helpful, though, and felt so bad that we had driven "so far" that she managed to arrange an ultrasound for us later that afternoon. Last time I was pregnant there wasn't an embryo, only a placenta. This time we were able to clearly see an egg, praise the Lord! When we met with the nurse again, she said the tech had estimated me at 4 weeks, 4 days. I thought it was odd and next to impossible that I would be that early, given that I had known for almost two weeks at that point. She also told us that the sac had a slightly irregular shape "which might mean something or might not mean anything." Since I was so early in my pregnancy, there was no chance of seeing a heartbeat at this stage, and she sent me home with another ultrasound scheduled just over two weeks out--yesterday.

The first week passed by without too much anxiety, but I tell you what, once I had just one week left until my appointment, all my memories of hearing the news at my first ultrasound last year came flooding back, and suddenly I was terrified. There had been a week between appointments then, and I think that must have been the trigger. I am not and have never been a worrier, but I have never been so fearful in my life. It didn't help that the passing days were not bringing any significant signs of pregnancy. Yes, I was actually praying for morning sickness! But I knew I didn't need morning sickness to have a healthy pregnancy. I took comfort in seeing an egg this time, and I very much looked forward to getting through yesterday's appointment.

Well, here we are on the other side. I can't say this part of the story was totally unexpected. I had vividly imagined living through both possible scenarios. Unfortunately, it is not the scenario we had been hoping and praying for. When we arrived for our appointment yesterday morning, we got to go straight in to the ultrasound. But the tech never turned on the screen in front of me, and she never said a word about what she was seeing. This was starting to feel achingly familiar. After five or ten minutes of Justin's praying silently and my patiently waiting and hoping and occasionally glancing over to the tech's grimacing face, the tech finished her work. She said she was sorry for the wait--that she knew it was hard and she had been there--and that she would try to get the nurse to talk to us as quickly as she could. She left the room and I rolled over toward Justin and cried. Could this really be happening again?

The tech came back into the room and told me I wasn't scheduled to see the nurse for another half hour, and they were busy this morning so she might be late. I choked out, "Well, I'm pretty sure that your not giving me any information gives me all the information I need." And she actually responded, "I'm really sorry. I can't tell you anything whether it's good or bad." An hour later, we finally saw the nurse. I told her if she had good news for me then they seriously needed to change the way they did things around there. She told me that no, she didn't have good news for us. There was no sign of a hearbeat, although there was a fetal pole. She said development had probably stopped a week ago. I made a conscious effort to register what was said this time, and again, the midwife was very helpful and compassionate. In regards to her response, this experience was much better than the last. Still, I surprised myself by feeling anger. Anger that we were finding out in exactly the same manner--at some impersonal office with someone I barely know giving us unwelcome news. That I would have to face the same waiting and fears again the next time.

Again, our midwife was very helpful. She took care of every possible next step for us and even scheduled a new visit with one of the infertility specialists, which will be at the end of June. I need to send her a note of thanks today.

Well, that's the story, really. The story of another short life that God graciously added to our family, only from my very limited perspective and understanding. We have been praying for God to fulfill all the days he has for this little life. That is still our prayer. That, above all, this life will bring glory to the One who created it. The One who creates life has every right to take it away, even if it is painful, even if we do not understand why. Our family will be together for eternity! The length of this earthly life pales in comparison. And I still believe that we will be parents. And I still believe...still know...that God is good even if we never become "traditional" parents. This is just a small part of our story, and make no mistake, it is still a story of restoration. There are many more chapters to read yet, though, and at that time, we will see so much more beauty in this chapter. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. To the one who gives and takes away.

Thank you for being a part of our story. For cheering us on and supporting us in the dark times. For acknowledging with us that this is not the end.

Restoration: How does your garden grow? edition

Turns out my mourning for my garden was premature. Okay, so the flowers and hostas out front were in fact shredded and are slow in growing back, but the garden...well, to say I underestimated its resilience would be an understatement. Please come over and help me eat some salad. Lots and lots of salad. Lettuce/spinach anyone?
These pictures were taken almost a week ago, so now everything's even fuller. And I've had to use up my storebought lettuce this week. I've been working this month and we had rain, so I didn't go out to the garden for about a week. Imagine my surprise when I saw how quickly things had turned around! And our broccoli? Well, we did lose one plant, but...

Our prize plant, while the leaves are still somewhat broken and battered, is thriving again. See that head of broccoli in the middle? It's three times as big now. True story.

All in all, I'd say that one casualty from that crazy downpour of hail ain't too shabby! Well, one plant casualty anyway. Turns out the hail did poke several holes through our attic fan, leaving our attic exposed to the elements. And apparently the roof is beat up as well, so the insurance guy who came out to inspect the damage is recommending our roof be replaced. Plants...resilient. Roofs...not so much. But that's what insurance is for.

And now it's time for your quarterly edition of...drumroll please...Lily in the planter. The What Not to Do edition. Justin effectively managed to keep Lily from jumping up on the counter to get to her favorite lounging spot by resting a long tupperware lid over the top of the planter. But when we needed that tupperware lid for, well, tupperware, Justin decided to replace the lid with a kitchen towel. The lid...good idea. The towel...not so much.

Because a towel...only makes for an even more alluring bed."Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Perspective

The heart of the storm system that has been wreaking havoc across the country, taking lives and physical property, came within a few short miles of our home on Saturday. Sixty-two tornadoes touched down in this state, a few of them not too far from here. What we did get was hail. A short (3-minute?) burst that rained down a torrent of hail the likes of which I'm not sure I've ever seen in person. We're all healthy and safe and extremely thankful for a 2-car garage.

However.

I still mourned my own silly little loss.

Our formerly thriving garden.

I've had visions of blogging about our (almost completed) garden for a few weeks now. The last frost came and went a week or two ago, and we just picked up the last few things to plant the morning before the storm. We planted cilantro and parsley last week. Our broccoli had taken off like crazy, and the lettuce was looking fuller and healthy. I thought to myself the day of the storm that we should try to cover the garden. But we didn't. This was our prize broccoli plant.

I don't have much hope for its survival, and it's too late in the year to try to replant our broccoli, lettuce, and onions. Our azaleas, which were pretty close to their peak, took a big hit too. Sorry for the weird glare. Photographer I ain't.

I went to an out-of-town bridal shower today and passed through one of the towns that was hit by a tornado. Total destruction in the neighborhood off the main road. One house had nothing left but the foundation and stairs leading up to where the front door should have been. It seemed like the whole community was out to help clean up the mess.... The mess.... People's homes and lives and memories all reduced to rubbish. I needed a little perspective.

Somehow I think I've started equating our garden with my life. Last year seemed like the year I couldn't keep anything alive...a baby, our cat, and even our garden. We put a lot of work into preparing our garden this year, and it really seemed to be paying off. But I know that in the end, it really is just a garden. It is not a life or even a reflection of my life. I hope it will be a reminder to me to thank God for his blessings in my life and to pray for those who are hurting.

Sorry, BA. I wanted to get you the garden update you kept asking for. I don't even have a recent good picture. Drat my procrastination skills! This is about all I have--taken several weeks ago before everything started filling in and Justin put up a fence to keep Eddie out.

Time to start over with all the summer crops. Yay for tomatoes!

This post brought to you by random.com.

It's official

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, Justin and I have been trying for 18 months now to get pregnant. But this month completes a full year of trying post-miscarriage. Which makes it official, medically speaking: I am "infertile." I think I will host a party welcoming myself to the club. It's going to be the party of the century. I don't know how, exactly. Maybe I will hire out the circus. Suggestions welcome and appreciated. You're all invited, so you have a vested interest in making it totally awesome.

Anywho...

I have my first official infertility appt at the end of this month. Prayers welcome and appreciated.

Actually, I probably have an even greater need for prayers this month in general. You see, my good buddy BA transferred membership from the infertility club to the mommy club several months ago. Doctors were not able to help her, however. Of course, we both know that God is ultimately in control, but he is also a God of order. A God who has designed our bodies to work in certain ways. BA did quite a bit of research and, after discovering several studies linking gluten with infertility, decided to go gluten free to see if it had any effect. She also cut down on sugar, ate liver, and a few other funky things. Well, the change in diet did have an effect, and she was pregnant that month. So, I'm going to be a little funky too and give this whole thing a whirl. I did cut down on sugar last month, but that kind of flew out the window with the trip to England, and I probably just ended up eating the same amount of sugar as a normal person. So pray for me this month as I try this drastic diet change, will you? Pray for Justin! He's actually going to do this with me, but who knows what I might end up doing to my loved ones when I'm not drugged up on sugar. And if you have any tips/links/suggestions about going gluten free, please share! I need all the help I can get.

If you would like more info on BA's research, she just recently started what is already proving to be a fantastically informative site on kicking infertility naturally. Please feel free to pass it on! You just never know who it might help.

And consider yourselves invited to the party of the century. But we've got a lot of work to do. Planning the party of the century without sugar or bread just might be impossible.

Cheers

A few weeks ago we finally succeeded in taking advantage of a Space A flight to England! We even got to ride in Justin's jet. The trip over there was overnight, so we were able to waste away the hours with sleep. We were the only passengers, and Justin of course knew the crew (they were landing in England before spending a couple of months in the desert) , so it was fun times. And we actually landed in England! A great start to the trip. (Justin had to divert to Germany on his last deployment.)

We stayed with our friends Jake, Ieva, and Daniel (who turned 1 while we were there!) for most of the trip. Well, sort of. Jake was out of the country at the time, unfortunately for us.

We took the train into London our first full day there. The weather was gorgeous and absolutely not what I was expecting in England in March, but we really wanted to see Les Mis while we were there, so we did! It was pricey but was a great London experience. I was singing down the streets after the show all the way to our hotel! Crazy Americans.

Our hotel was just a tad bit tiny. We knew that going in, fortunately, but seriously, the room was so small that there were hooks on the walls where we had to hang our clothes.

I'm so glad we were able to take this trip when we did, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to see Beth! She's been working in London for three years and moved back to the states a week after our visit! She took us to a really cool pub with midget doors and lots of history, but I totally spaced out and forgot to take a picture there.

The next day (still gorgeous, but a little cooler) we decided to take a bus tour so we could actually get a feel for the city. Neither of us had been there before, and we had to take another bus back "home" that night.

We both really would have liked to go see the Tower of London, but that would have required at least half a day in itself. Maybe next time.

This is the Tower Bridge, not to be confused with London Bridge. Tower Bridge = Awesome. London Bridge = Boring. And totally not falling down, but we were okay with that.

There really are red telephone booths everywhere! And a few people were actually using them. I have to wonder if these will die out one day. It is pretty cool seeing pops of red everywhere, though, between the phone booths and the buses.

The day after we came home from London, Justin had his first experience driving on the left side of the road. Ieva was crazy and kind enough to lend us a car. Navigating was no easy feat either, especially for someone who is a poor navigator on home turf (that would be me).

We were on our way to Stratford-upon-Avon (the Bard's hometown, but more importantly, current home to my college roommate, Cat), but we stopped through Cambridge first where we went punting on the river behind all the colleges.

It was gorgeous and green!

We did make it to Stratford and were able to have dinner at another yummy pub with the lovely Cat. She had to rush off, though, because she (along with other Shakespeare Institute grad students) was putting on a performance of The Life and Death of King John. It was so much fun seeing her in that play! And seeing her in general, but seeing her in her element was pretty cool.

On the way from from Stratford the next day, we drove through the countryside and one town in the Cotswolds (aka, sheep country). It never rained, but we experienced our first overcast English day. I think it added to the appeal of the countryside, though.

This marketplace was opulent back in its day.

When we got back "home" to Jake and Ieva's, we partied with Daniel and friends for his birthday. It was good times. The next day was Sunday, so we went to church with Ieva. Their church is small and this was Justin's third time there, so he literally knew everyone already. Then we all had lunch together with other NC friends (Tim, Laurel, Colin, and Lucy). Justin and I stayed there overnight, and Laurel dropped us off on base for our flight the next morning. Colin, who is coming up on 4, and I had become good playmates, and he was a little upset to see us go. We were sad to go too! We were so blessed with the weather and Space A details and managing to see pretty much everyone. It was a great trip, all in all, and I hope we can make it back over there again!