On waiting

I have been feeling like there should be an update on the "Operation Family" front. While I wish I could announce good news, well, I am still waiting on that day.

I found out today that a friend of mine is going through a second miscarriage, and doctors are telling her that she will need to undergo genetic testing and may never be able to have a family. This news makes me almost as sad as if it were my own, perhaps because there's no way to know if it may one day be my own. At least at this point I can still tell myself, "One of these days." I can't imagine being surrounded by all things baby day in and day out with the knowledge that there may never be a day when you finally get to share in that.

I know this struggle can be hard to understand if you have never personally dealt with it. I know it might be easy to think nothing of or to wonder, "What's the big deal? It's only been a year. You still have time," especially if starting a family isn't even yet on your radar. I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day and thought I would post some of my thoughts here.

Part of the struggle is feeling more helpless than I have ever felt in my life. I constantly have to dismiss this fleeting feeling that I should be able to look something up on the Internet or have Justin come home and tell me that I'm pregnant, like it can be that easy. Or like I can have any control over it at all. But, obviously, I can't. And every time that two-week period rolls around where I am waiting to see if, just maybe, our waiting has come to an end, it is two weeks of analyzing every little feeling in my body. I try to turn it off, but I can't. It is two weeks of mind games and trying to rest in God's sovereignty and timing. And then I find out that it will be another 40 days of waiting, most likely followed by more waiting. And then all my unfounded and unwanted optimism comes crashing down to finish the latest rollercoaster ride. And through it all I plead with God that he would be enough for me. And every time I feel like I fail him when my emotions betray that he is not.

I have never been one to worry obsessively and sit around pondering what ifs. And that is a blessing in this case because several what ifs drift to mind every now and then. What if something is wrong with my body and if/when I finally do get pregnant I have another miscarriage? What if it's a problem that can't be fixed? What if getting pregnant is a struggle every time? Can we have as many kids as we would like to have? Can we have any kids at all? It is hard not to look ahead to the future.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, the wait to this point hasn't been "that long." And despite not dwelling on what ifs, the idea of them still makes the wait seem even longer because there are too many unknown tomorrows. I know that one day, when this period of waiting is past, I will have perspective, and this season will no longer feel so long, but that day is not today. All I can do is pray that it comes quickly and keep pleading with God to be enough.

And he is enough, dear friends, whatever you may be struggling with or waiting on. And he can use our struggles in amazing and mighty ways, beyond anything we could ever imagine. But the waiting is hard. Laying down our emotions day by day and sometimes minute by minute to believe that God has our best interests and concern for our holiness and happiness at heart is hard. But it is the only thing worth clinging to--in the trying times and in the good times.

When the good times come, let us not forget.