Restoration: The unexpected edition

This wasn't the post I intended to write. This was supposed to be "Restoration: In which my garden actually IS a reflection of my life edition."

The morning Justin and I had planned to start our gluten-free, low sugar diet, the morning I was mourning my newly destroyed garden and my newly "offical" infertility status...I took a positive pregnancy test. Note to self: A negative pregnancy test does not an "official" make.

That positive did not bring me the overwhelming sense of relief I had anticipated it would. Instead, I took a deep breath and thought, "Okay. We'll see how this goes." And I have been holding my breath ever since.

I did gladly cancel my infertility appointment and make a prenatal appointment in its stead. That appointment was supposed to be on the 12th, but I called in the day after I made the appointment and said that given my history, I would really like to come in earlier. Could I at least come in to have my hormone levels checked? The woman I talked to fit me in that week--April 29--one day after my infertility appointment had originally been scheduled.

Justin and I went to the appointment with no idea what to expect. When we arrived (in a town 45-min away) the midwife we met with said her notes said that I was there to "ask a few questions." Um no. Questions were not going to get me the answers I was seeking. She was so helpful, though, and felt so bad that we had driven "so far" that she managed to arrange an ultrasound for us later that afternoon. Last time I was pregnant there wasn't an embryo, only a placenta. This time we were able to clearly see an egg, praise the Lord! When we met with the nurse again, she said the tech had estimated me at 4 weeks, 4 days. I thought it was odd and next to impossible that I would be that early, given that I had known for almost two weeks at that point. She also told us that the sac had a slightly irregular shape "which might mean something or might not mean anything." Since I was so early in my pregnancy, there was no chance of seeing a heartbeat at this stage, and she sent me home with another ultrasound scheduled just over two weeks out--yesterday.

The first week passed by without too much anxiety, but I tell you what, once I had just one week left until my appointment, all my memories of hearing the news at my first ultrasound last year came flooding back, and suddenly I was terrified. There had been a week between appointments then, and I think that must have been the trigger. I am not and have never been a worrier, but I have never been so fearful in my life. It didn't help that the passing days were not bringing any significant signs of pregnancy. Yes, I was actually praying for morning sickness! But I knew I didn't need morning sickness to have a healthy pregnancy. I took comfort in seeing an egg this time, and I very much looked forward to getting through yesterday's appointment.

Well, here we are on the other side. I can't say this part of the story was totally unexpected. I had vividly imagined living through both possible scenarios. Unfortunately, it is not the scenario we had been hoping and praying for. When we arrived for our appointment yesterday morning, we got to go straight in to the ultrasound. But the tech never turned on the screen in front of me, and she never said a word about what she was seeing. This was starting to feel achingly familiar. After five or ten minutes of Justin's praying silently and my patiently waiting and hoping and occasionally glancing over to the tech's grimacing face, the tech finished her work. She said she was sorry for the wait--that she knew it was hard and she had been there--and that she would try to get the nurse to talk to us as quickly as she could. She left the room and I rolled over toward Justin and cried. Could this really be happening again?

The tech came back into the room and told me I wasn't scheduled to see the nurse for another half hour, and they were busy this morning so she might be late. I choked out, "Well, I'm pretty sure that your not giving me any information gives me all the information I need." And she actually responded, "I'm really sorry. I can't tell you anything whether it's good or bad." An hour later, we finally saw the nurse. I told her if she had good news for me then they seriously needed to change the way they did things around there. She told me that no, she didn't have good news for us. There was no sign of a hearbeat, although there was a fetal pole. She said development had probably stopped a week ago. I made a conscious effort to register what was said this time, and again, the midwife was very helpful and compassionate. In regards to her response, this experience was much better than the last. Still, I surprised myself by feeling anger. Anger that we were finding out in exactly the same manner--at some impersonal office with someone I barely know giving us unwelcome news. That I would have to face the same waiting and fears again the next time.

Again, our midwife was very helpful. She took care of every possible next step for us and even scheduled a new visit with one of the infertility specialists, which will be at the end of June. I need to send her a note of thanks today.

Well, that's the story, really. The story of another short life that God graciously added to our family, only from my very limited perspective and understanding. We have been praying for God to fulfill all the days he has for this little life. That is still our prayer. That, above all, this life will bring glory to the One who created it. The One who creates life has every right to take it away, even if it is painful, even if we do not understand why. Our family will be together for eternity! The length of this earthly life pales in comparison. And I still believe that we will be parents. And I still believe...still know...that God is good even if we never become "traditional" parents. This is just a small part of our story, and make no mistake, it is still a story of restoration. There are many more chapters to read yet, though, and at that time, we will see so much more beauty in this chapter. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. To the one who gives and takes away.

Thank you for being a part of our story. For cheering us on and supporting us in the dark times. For acknowledging with us that this is not the end.