So now you know

I hate keeping secrets about myself. I'd much rather be an open book. So now you know all (okay, most of) my secrets again!

Actually, there was a little more to this story. There's another person's story to share, and I want to do that person justice by sharing it. During both previous pregnancies, we never saw a heartbeat, so I was really holding my breath for our first ultrasound. Unfortunately, Justin missed out on all my appointments so far because of his training in OK. My sweet friend and our pastor's wife, Olivia, was kind enough to accompany me to my first two appointments.

Well, as I told Justin while sobbing into the phone after my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, I didn't see a heartbeat; I saw two! Yes, the Lord had graciously blessed us with twins! Now, if I'm completely honest here, the first thought to cross my mind was "At least this makes the odds of actually delivering one much higher." One friend and another friend-of-a-friend both lost a twin within the last year, so I was prepared for the very real possibility of becoming part of that 20% who experience what doctors so euphamistically call "vanishing twin syndrome." Justin, on the other hand, has always joked about having twins, and I think he was in shock with joy and disbelief.

A week and a half later I went in for another ultrasound and learned that we had lost one of the twins. Development had stopped shortly after my first ultrasound. I feel blessed that God gave me that first ultrasound to see those two beautiful little heartbeats. And while I wish I could still say that we're expecting twins, believe me when I say I feel blessed to have been given that child even though God chose to take that child home to Him so early--like our other babies, before he/she could experience any pain or suffering in this world. I have come to realize that we could hardly have been given any greater gift. To have God add to our family, and more importantly to His, for all of eternity. It's pretty incredible to think about.

But "Baby B" was going strong at that appointment, and then again at my next appointment a week later. Today I am 15 weeks! Can I just tell you how wonderful that sounds?? Any time I said out loud that I was 8 weeks or 10 weeks, or even 12 weeks, I would say it with some trepidation. When I said out loud that I was 10 weeks, it was really like saying "I'm 10 weeks and hoping that I'll make it to the next...and the next...and the next." While I'm still more than ready to see our baby wiggling and squirming and growing at our next appointment on the 20th, I'm certainly more confident that I will get to meet Baby B in person than I ever have been. The periodic sickness I've had for the last several weeks has started to disappear (I can even brush my teeth almost like a normal person again!), but now I can see my belly starting to grow. So that is my reassurance for now.

We should be able to find out on the 20th whether we're having a boy or a girl, but I've been so focused on just seeing a healthy baby that I've barely given any thought to the gender. When we first found out I was pregnant I was convinced it was a boy. But since we found out about and then lost one of the twins, I have had NO inclinations one way or another. I think that's because in some ways this pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I find myself waking up from naps feeling like I've been dreaming that I'm pregnant. I'm hoping and expecting that will change in less than two weeks! By then I should be close to feeling the baby move too. I imagine it will feel real then!

I don't have too much of a belly to show at the moment, but at Katherine's request, I'll leave you with one shot for now (taken just after lunch for maximum impact).