A birth story

For those of you who like to read about these kinds of things...

Sometime around 3:30 pm I decided that natural childbirth was not for me. At least this time around. That was shortly after arriving at the hospital and learning I was 6 cm dilated, an hour and a half after I lost my lunch and contractions started coming every three minutes. I was not able to breathe through them like I had thought I should be able to.

But labor started more than 12 hours earlier, just one day after my parents had to leave town because my mom didn't have any more leave she could take. Sometime after midnight, I thought I started dreaming that I was having contractions. I thought to myself, 'If I get up in the morning sleep deprived and a week overdue because I was dreaming about having contractions, I am going to be mad.' But I woke up for good from the contractions about 3:45, and they were pretty much all in my back at that point. I spent a few hours wondering whether that day would be the day, because although by the time Justin woke up my contractions were only 7-9 min apart, they weren't particularly strong. I wasn't sure how many hours or days that could go on. So Justin and I took a walk, and then I sat on the couch in front of the computer for a while, and at one point (about 10:00) I didn't have any contractions for half an hour. Then Justin started bugging me asking if I wanted to walk or do this or do that. At which point I informed him that he needed something to do! So he made peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream. :) 

Around noon my contractions started getting closer and stronger, and at 2:00 I got sick from them. Then they started coming every 4 to 2 1/2 minutes, and at that point I knew I was ready to go to the hospital. I felt too uncomfortable to stay home, was having trouble breathing and relaxing through the contractions, and was beginning to question myself on not having an epidural. I wanted to know how dilated I was so that I could make a decision about having an epidural.

We left the house at 3:00, and Justin called labor and delivery to let them know we were coming. Whoever he was talking to asked to talk to me, and although I was between contractions at the time, she talked and asked questions for at least a few minutes. I was in pain again by the time I heard her say "Well if you're in labor we'll keep you and if not we'll send you home." I grunted out an "Uh-huh" and handed the phone back to Justin, but I really wanted to yell, "I'm in labor! Stop talking!"

By the time I got settled into the hospital I was 6 cm dilated. So we felt like I did pretty well with the timing, but I knew I wasn't going to have a baby in the next hour, so I asked for the epidural. And I also got drugs through my IV while I was waiting, but I probably should have skipped that. It didn't make me loopy, but it didn't help with my contractions particularly, just made me more relaxed in between. And I don't remember if it was before or after the drugs, but I got sick again and this time my water broke.

Then I got my epidural, and after that life was good. I never felt another contraction unless the monitor got over 100, and even then I felt only a little tension. I thought I slept for a good portion of the rest of my labor, but Justin says I only took a couple of naps. Either way, I was quite relaxed...and pretty knocked out from the Demerol. Rebekah almost certainly would have arrived at least a couple of hours earlier without the epidural because I never did have the urge to push. We all waited it out until just after 11:00, and 20 minutes later she was born at 11:31 pm--as I said in my last post, exactly the time a friend of mine had dreamt she would be born a few days earlier.

Welcome to the world, Rebekah Jane.

A new little love

Rebekah Jane Cook was born June 10 at 11:31 pm (exactly the time a friend of mine predicted through a dream a few days prior) weighing 8lb 2oz and looking too beautiful to belong to her parents. :) I still feel like she must be borrowed, although that feeling is starting to wear off. She is also just a little too close to perfect to belong to her parents. She nurses well, sleeps well (with the exception of only one night shortly after coming home that reduced me to tears but was still only one night), almost never spits up, has been mostly following a schedule for at least a week now, was born strong enough to lift up her head, and rolled over half a dozen times the day she turned two weeks old (although I have yet to see her do it again since that day). She has very expressive hands and stretches, so much so that I call her stretching her interpretive dancing. Either that or sometimes she looks like a little puppet master. She lost just over a pound by the time she was four days old, but that's more my problem than hers. After having to start supplementing with formula, she is finally gaining weight, but she's still not back to her birth weight yet.

This is her the day before she turned two weeks. I'll leave you with this for now and add more details and pics in future posts.

Playing catch up

It's amazing how quickly the days are slipping away, and I don't even have a baby in my arms yet! So I shall leave you with a few highlights/pictures of the past couple months.

1. We put our house on the market. Getting the house fixed up to show took up a significant amount of our time in April. I think the listing turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself, but we have yet to hear even one inquiry about the house.

2. Justin was thrown on a somewhat random work trip to Altus during which he took the time to check out our housing options. And quite honestly, they all have their drawbacks. Base housing is privatized and seems to be severely lacking in quality and in general concern about upkeep on the part of the company that now owns the housing. Renting will cost significantly more a month than buying, and buying requires selling in a market that is not exactly thriving. But Justin (along with my parents who met up with him for the weekend) ended up taking a look at a foreclosure that is newer (1993) and slightly bigger than our house now while he was there, and after weeks of waffling and hoping for a bite on our house here, well the punchline is that we just had an offer accepted on the house! We are about to enter the extravagant world of dual home ownership. Yikes.

3. April showers. I was excessively spoiled at two showers in April, one hosted by our church and the other by the military wives Bible study I attend.

Meet Olivia. This picture cracks me up.

33 weeks

Reagan was so excited to bring me my presents.

Due two days apart.

My lovely hostesses. 35 weeks.

By the time If I ever finish my thank-yous, I will have written more than 75! That's some serious spoiling right there. That's larger than the number of people who attended our wedding! Which brings me to point #4.

4. Sunday will be our 5th anniversary! Is that really possible?? I couldn't have asked for a better start to our marriage. Well, okay, maybe I could have asked for a better first year. :) Three moves in one year about sent me over my mental edge. But Justin stuck it out with me, so I couldn't ask for more than that!

5. I am closing in on 39 weeks. And I have yet to feel any difference whatsoever. No contractions and I really don't think she's dropped. I sure hope her birthday isn't two weeks later than expected. My parents will be here June 4-9, and I am praying they get to meet their granddaughter before they leave. Justin is convinced she will be born in less than a week, on the 29th, which would give us three straight days of celebrating--our anniversary, his birthday, and our daughter's birthday.

6. We just finished the nursery! Olivia and I still have to set up a sewing date for crib bedding, but we won't need that until we get to OK. The room looks a little sparse without a real crib and any substantial furniture, but I actually really like the colors and how everything turned out. Not too shabby for being a space Baby Girl will occupy for less than two months. You might recognize the decorations over her crib. We're officially ready for you, Baby Girl!

The nursery before.

This is all the loot my friend Ashlei gave us, which she passed down from her little girl. She and her husband also gave us the swing and bouncy seat you will see in the pictures below. What a blessing they have been to us!

His eye is on the sparrow!

Schtuff

Hmm. Methinks I have been neglecting this little blog. I have a few highlights to catch up on!

1. Justin is home! Apparently his return date was moved up a week even before he left, but he decided to keep it under wraps to surprise me. He gave me 24-hours notice that he was coming home, which then turned into 48-hours notice when his jet was grounded for maintenaince issues the next day. He knew he'd be in trouble if he didn't give me some kind of warning! The whole thing was a kind of comedy of errors. I had scheduled my latest appt for the day, unbeknownst to me at the time, Justin was supposed to return. He enlisted Olivia's help asking me to watch her son that day so that I would reschedule my appt. Which I did. For the following day. Which is actually the day Justin came home. Oops. It was a nice try. I've been going out of town for my appts, but I was able to drive straight to base and make it just in time for his landing.

2. God continues to rule out one concern after another with this pregnancy! I never did write a post about how the whole band/sheet thing shook out. Well, as soon as we heard about the doctors' concerns, Justin started praying for it to disappear. I told him I didn't get the impression that's how it would work out, based on what the doctors said. But when I went in for my appointment, I learned that's exactly what was happening! I finally saw images of this...whatever it is...from all of my previous ultrasounds. At 16 weeks it ran the entire length of an ultrasound image. At 18 weeks it was much shorter, and at this appt it had shortened so much they almost couldn't find it! So while I think it was officially classified as a sheet, it's really fairly irrelevant because it's gone now, whatever it was. The next smaller concern was placenta previa, and that was also resolved at my most recent appt last week. Hallelujah! But there's something new at every appt, and this time it was anemia. But all that means is I have to take an iron supplement. I think we can handle that one. :)

3. Justin got his orders to Altus, OK, where he will be an instructor. He should have pretty steady hours, but it's also likely that he will have one six-month deployment. Six months! People do it all the time, but I can barely survive two. So that will be an adventure if and when that happens. I'm glad he got his orders and that there weren't any surprises, but I'm still not ready to leave Goldsboro. The report date on his orders was June 30, but that's cutting things a little close for our taste. Justin's pretty confident he can get the date pushed back to July 30. We'll be three hours from my parents, which will be good, but the town itself leaves many things to be desired. But, all in all, it is good news.

4. I'm not methodical about checking my weight, but I've gained six pounds in the last two weeks. At least, I think it's only been two weeks. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Go, baby, go.

Insanity and other frivolous matters

I have plenty of darn near miraculous things I could talk about today like the way God spectacularly answered our prayers about the whole amniotic sheet vs. band thing, and that most definitely deserves its own post and a post that is of higher importance than this one. But today my brain is in a frenzy, and I'll be sharing about much more frivolous matters, like diving in headfirst to the commercial side of parenthood.

First there was much researching of strollers. That one's still ongoing. Last night I moved onto trying to plot the nursery I probably won't even be able to put together until after our move, potentially months after Baby Girl is born. But I need to start figuring out what to register for, and a nursery seemed like a natural place to start. We'd already settled on a kind of nature/woodland/forest type theme. And, well...I'll let the email I sent out to Olivia this morning (unedited) do the rest of the talking. It will be sure to make up for the last several months of my inattention to silliness on this here blog.

Enjoy. Don't judge.

Subject: These are the facts of the case.

And they are undisputed.

Happy Birthday to your man!!!!!!!

Now onto my real reason for writing. The facts.

1. It is currently 6:38 a.m., and I am awake.

2. I actually woke up at 6:12. (I think. That one might be disputed.)

3. I was up until 12:15ish.

4. I was up until 12:15 after endless hours of searching for the perfect bedding.

5. There are waaaaaaay too many options for crib bedding on the market. And even with that, Justin and I still couldn't settle on the "perfect" set.

6. Justin was actually giving me some feedback, but I'm pretty sure he started to think I was crazy after what may have been hour #4 of sending him links.

7. I found a wall print a few days ago with the lyrics of "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" and suddenly I couldn't get a version of that song that Justin introduced me to out of my head. It reminded me just how fitting that song was for this time in our life and for our little girl. (You can listen to the song here: http://blog.pagecxvi.com/post/10440429648/his-eye-is-on-the-sparrow. Please do! I love it.)

8. Sometime during my marathon search for bedding, I saw this line but determined it was not at all gender neutral and that it would force me into too many pink and purple nursery choices, even though I do find it very pretty: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/Search/Search.aspx/sparrow/baby/_/N-1z1412k?AggBy=0&dim=1&grid=20&nty=1&sstr=sparrow. However, it did inspire me to search for sparrows!

9. Sometime much later in my marathon search, after Justin and I had seemingly come no closer to making a decision, I showed him the sheets I just showed you. He loved the sparrows in particular and deemed these sheets his favorite. At last! Progress. But I still wasn't sure I could be girly enough to commit to those colors.

10, I proceeded to consult the one site I hadn't yet scoured--Etsy.

11. Etsy is not the site to go to when one has already been on the computer for hours on end and it should be bedtime. Seriously. Pinterest should probably also go on that list should I ever join.

12. I found some fabric with sparrows that I love and that Justin likes just as much as the pattern we'd looked at, and I found sellers who would make what I wanted a reasonable price.

13. I finally went to bed content.

14. I woke up at 6:12(ish) a.m. day dreaming about said fabric.

15. Then the cat started running all over the room with far too much energy. I took it as a sign, gave up the fight, and got out of bed after concocting the following idea.

Okay. You may now have paragraph form. It can't be that difficult to make a blanket, a couple sheets, and a crib skirt can it? (And maybe a changing pad cover?) Do you think Joann's would have a class on that? Or maybe it's something you could already show me how to do? (Assuming you'd have the time to do that.) And at the very least, I would love to see what you think about which fabric to use for which particular piece, along with potential wall colors, etc. Will you let me know what you think? (If I don't hear from you tonight, I will assume you got lost somewhere in this meandering email. Or that you had more important things to do. Like celebrate your husband's birthday or keep William from doing cartwheels off of his scooter.) Here is the fabric: http://www.hawthornethreads.com/fabric/designer/joel_dewberry/aviary_2, the first collection being my/our favorite.

Thank you! Maybe I can actually go back to sleep now (Now that I've unloaded this heavy fabric burden onto you)!

17. I am not responsible for the coherence/silliness of anything written prior to 7:15 a.m.

Updates

I don’t really want this blog to become all about our baby, but I guess that’s what it’s going to be for a little while. I just wanted to give any of you who may be interested the latest update. **Warning: This post contains words that might make some, particularly those of the male persuasion, squirm. If you can’t tolerate the word cervix, then you should probably skip over this post.

Oh yes, I’m sure you all know this already, but I haven’t said it yet on here that we found out we are having a girl! At that appointment, our midwife, Monica, told us two things. First of all, she said that my cervix was measuring just a millimeter shorter than the range they normally like to see. They weren’t concerned at this point, but they needed me to come back in a couple of weeks to make sure that I wasn’t dilating early. That would be bad news and potentially mean bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Monica also said they noted something “academic,” meaning something that was benign but worth noting for the mere fact that it was something they hadn’t really seen before. She said they noted an “amniotic sheet” and made a clear point of saying that it is NOT an “amniotic band.” She repeated this, she said, so that I would not go look up “amniotic band” and become concerned. (This point will become relevant a little later.) Other than that, she said that our baby girl looked completely healthy!

Fast forward to my next appointment, which was last week. This appt was really only to measure my cervix, so we didn’t see as much of Baby Girl. My understanding from what Monica had told us was that my cervix would either be the same length, or it would be shorter, shorter being bad. My cervix measured 12 mm longer. I don’t know whether that was a fluke or a miracle, but whatever it was, it was a definite answer to prayer. It was even more of an answer to prayer than I realized because they told me that I currently have placenta previa, which means that the placenta is partially covering my cervix. If I actually were dilating early, that would be particularly bad news because it could lead to hemorrhaging in addition to a preterm delivery. But praise the Lord that is not an issue for now!

However, that amniotic sheet I mentioned earlier? The midwife I saw at this appt, Jan, said that whoever reviews the ultrasounds classified it this time as an amniotic band. She said that the band is not currently an issue because it is away from the baby. If it is actually a band, though, it is a fibrous string that can restrict her growth if it interferes with her. From what I have read, it can cause deformities like a club foot or cleft palate, or worse, it could amputate one of her limbs or kill her if it wraps around her head or umbilical cord. Even if this band isn’t near her for now, I know she’ll start to take up every available space by the time I get into the third trimester. I’m supposed to meet with a specialist in a couple of weeks, and my understanding is that this doctor is supposed to shed more light on whether this is a sheet or a band and then possible next steps.

So that’s the latest. I’m not fretting for the time being, just waiting out the time until our next appt. Prayers are appreciated, as always, and on that note, I want you all to know just how blessed we feel to know how much so many of you have saturated our little girl in prayer, even before she came to be. Is there any better way to start a life? I can hardly wait to see the answers to those prayers come to pass in her life.

And in more lighthearted news, I felt her move for the first time on New Year’s Day! And Justin felt her move last night! I was surprised he could feel her this early. Despite feeling her move and starting to show, I still feel remarkably normal. I still haven’t moved into maternity clothes, but I am starting to feel some aches and pains. We forgot to take a picture this week, but I’ll leave you with the most recent.

So now you know

I hate keeping secrets about myself. I'd much rather be an open book. So now you know all (okay, most of) my secrets again!

Actually, there was a little more to this story. There's another person's story to share, and I want to do that person justice by sharing it. During both previous pregnancies, we never saw a heartbeat, so I was really holding my breath for our first ultrasound. Unfortunately, Justin missed out on all my appointments so far because of his training in OK. My sweet friend and our pastor's wife, Olivia, was kind enough to accompany me to my first two appointments.

Well, as I told Justin while sobbing into the phone after my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, I didn't see a heartbeat; I saw two! Yes, the Lord had graciously blessed us with twins! Now, if I'm completely honest here, the first thought to cross my mind was "At least this makes the odds of actually delivering one much higher." One friend and another friend-of-a-friend both lost a twin within the last year, so I was prepared for the very real possibility of becoming part of that 20% who experience what doctors so euphamistically call "vanishing twin syndrome." Justin, on the other hand, has always joked about having twins, and I think he was in shock with joy and disbelief.

A week and a half later I went in for another ultrasound and learned that we had lost one of the twins. Development had stopped shortly after my first ultrasound. I feel blessed that God gave me that first ultrasound to see those two beautiful little heartbeats. And while I wish I could still say that we're expecting twins, believe me when I say I feel blessed to have been given that child even though God chose to take that child home to Him so early--like our other babies, before he/she could experience any pain or suffering in this world. I have come to realize that we could hardly have been given any greater gift. To have God add to our family, and more importantly to His, for all of eternity. It's pretty incredible to think about.

But "Baby B" was going strong at that appointment, and then again at my next appointment a week later. Today I am 15 weeks! Can I just tell you how wonderful that sounds?? Any time I said out loud that I was 8 weeks or 10 weeks, or even 12 weeks, I would say it with some trepidation. When I said out loud that I was 10 weeks, it was really like saying "I'm 10 weeks and hoping that I'll make it to the next...and the next...and the next." While I'm still more than ready to see our baby wiggling and squirming and growing at our next appointment on the 20th, I'm certainly more confident that I will get to meet Baby B in person than I ever have been. The periodic sickness I've had for the last several weeks has started to disappear (I can even brush my teeth almost like a normal person again!), but now I can see my belly starting to grow. So that is my reassurance for now.

We should be able to find out on the 20th whether we're having a boy or a girl, but I've been so focused on just seeing a healthy baby that I've barely given any thought to the gender. When we first found out I was pregnant I was convinced it was a boy. But since we found out about and then lost one of the twins, I have had NO inclinations one way or another. I think that's because in some ways this pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I find myself waking up from naps feeling like I've been dreaming that I'm pregnant. I'm hoping and expecting that will change in less than two weeks! By then I should be close to feeling the baby move too. I imagine it will feel real then!

I don't have too much of a belly to show at the moment, but at Katherine's request, I'll leave you with one shot for now (taken just after lunch for maximum impact).

Either Katherine is the only person still reading my blog after a 2-month hiatus, or she's the only one reading it carefully. Which is entirely possible. But if you read my last post and didn't notice anything unusual, you might want to take a second look.

There's no place like home

Goodness gracious, this half of the year has been one big blur. After spending a month in Oklahoma while Justin finished training out there, we are finally home to stay for a little while. That is, until Justin takes another trip to the desert, but this upcoming one will be only 45 days and he will be back just in time to attend his sister's wedding! Praise the Lord. Then we will be expecting a move in the summer. We love our home, our friends, and our church here in Goldsboro and will be shedding plenty of tears over this move, I have no doubt.

On top of that, it's going to be quite an adventure moving with a dog, a cat, and a newborn, but I'm up to the challenge. ;)

(Please don't say anything on FB just yet. Very few of our local friends know. But that will change this weekend.)

Take the glory, Take 2

Over two years ago I wrote about a valuable lesson God taught me through running. He taught me that finding strength in him began with first acknowledging all he had given me. And it's taken me almost two years to learn how to apply that lesson to one of the most difficult trials of my life.

Two months ago I wrote about my struggle to find hope in God, and not in my own desires. A struggle that has been going on every month for closing in on two years now. This month especially I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. And then I had a little chat with a friend about faith that reminded me of this "Take the glory" principle I thought I had learned so long ago. So, this month, when I thought I could hardly bear the waiting and the hoping any longer, instead of pleading for God to be enough, I acknowleged that he IS enough. In the midst of all my anxiety, out of faith, I decalred, "Lord, you are enough." And, just like that, he was. No more pleading. Just the wonderful stillness and calm and trust in God I have been pleading for for so long now.

It was a major victory. My circumstances didn't change, but God allowed me to rest with a pure faith and hope in him. And I am so thankful he did. So thankful he has.

Have you been wondering why God isn't enough? Trust that he is, and watch and wait for him, with eager anticipation, to work.

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

--Matthew 17:20

Weddings, printers, and foolish pride

So. This time last weekend I was in a wedding. And not just any wedding, but the wedding of one of my closest friends. And it was awesome. I think, if it's possible, I was actually more excited for Leah's wedding than I was for my own...because now I know just a little bit more about what marriage is and what it means than I did...well, before I was married. You get the idea.

I wanted to do something special for Leah and Ty, particularly because I had such an attentive and spectacular matron of honor and because Leah added quite a few personal touches to my own wedding. The bar had been set high, and I was going to do everything I could to rise to the challenge.

When I first saw letter photography, I was pretty well entranced by it, and I always thought that Leah, as an architect, would appreciate it as well. Granted, it's a little more "trendy" now than it was when I first saw it a few years ago (trendy=not an architect thing), but I decided to make a name collage as a wedding gift. And now that I had my own fancy camera, I wanted to take all my own pictures. Well, the whole thing ended up being quite a bit more of a production than I had imagined, especially since I didn't always know (and still don't) how to use Photoshop efficiently and also because to accommodate seven letters I ended up going with a 10x30 print (which ain't exactly small!), but in the end I was a little too pleased with myself and how it came out. I know if I knew anything more about photography, I would not have been as prideful. Know what I mean? (But I'm still ignorant, so it's all good for now.)

Here's the final product:

Leah and Ty are triathletes, which explains the bike rack (W) and running trail (S) pictures. (You can't tell very well because this image is so small, but my running shoes are in the foreground of the trail picture.) Because they live on the Gulf, the A is a pier and the first T is a fleur de lis. The second T is the steeple of the church where they were married (also the church Leah helped rebuild as the lead architect after Katrina), and the E is part of the American flag as a nod to Ty's service in the Navy. The R is just a random arm of a bench because there aren't a lot of picture options for that letter, but it might actually be my favorite picture. I really like the texture from the grain of the wood.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but you can't really just order a 10x30 print from Wal-Mart. I actually considered several options for the print, including canvas. One idea I saw online and wanted to steal was to print each letter to its own canvas so the letters could be set on a mantle or a shelf as separate tiles. But I couldn't find a printer that would print canvases that small.

I ended up going with Color, Inc., and I was quite pleased with them. I hope I have a reason to give them more business again! They actually send you 5 free 5x7 prints before you place an order with them so you can be sure their prints match what you see on your computer. If not, you can make adjustments, which I didn't need to do. In addition to that, their shipping is free, unless you get something over 40 inches, I think it is. The print came via Priority Mail in just a couple of days. I couldn't believe it was that fast and free!

Plus they seem to be a Christian (family-run?) business, and they sent me this little "Thanks for signing up" note in the mail that I thought was a pretty cool little touch. So simple, and yet quite original. Look 'em up the next time you need a printer.

While I was sleeping...

Summer passed me by. Yes, this is one of those, "Wow, has it really been a month??" posts.

This summer has been busy, busy, busy, and we've only been home for about half of it. In July, my parents came for the 4th and we spent a couple of days in Hatteras (the southern part of the Outer Banks). Turns out we were some of the last tourists there for the year because Irene tore up the only road providing access to the island. The week after the 4th we were in NJ while Justin took a class for work. The weekend after that, I went up to Northern VA for Leah's bridal shower, and Justin left for 5 weeks in Montgomery, AL, for another work-related class. Eddie and I joined him a few days later. Poor Lily was stuck at home for a month, with kind friends checking in on her. We came back home at the end of August, just in time for our first hurricane! Irene left us without power for 31 hours, but it certainly could have been worse. Fortunately we did not lose any trees. Several houses in the area took some good hits. And this past weekend was Leah's wedding! We had such a blast celebrating with Leah and Ty and seeing good friends and family. We haven't had a reunion like that in years, and I don't know when we will again.

So now we have a couple of weeks at home, but just a couple of weeks. Justin will be headed to Instructor school in OK the first week of October. I won't be able to join him for this one, unfortunately, because there's just no good option for the pets. I will probably go out for the last part of it. His course should finish up a week or so before Thanksgiving, which will allow us to spend the holiday with my family. Then, in the new year, we will be looking at a possible deployment and/or a move. So as you can see, things are changing pretty fast around here! It's starting to settle in that we won't be able to call Goldsboro home much longer, and we won't even be here for a good chunk of the time we have left.

What? What's that you say? We're a military family? And that requires moving??? Oh right. I thought we'd met our quota our first year of marriage. How silly of me. But in all honesty, we are so blessed to have been able to be here for as long as we have. I'm not sure we could have had a better first assignment.

On becoming a domestic diva (which I most certainly am not)

When Justin and I first got married, I didn't know how to cook much more than a frozen dinner. I was intimidated just to set foot in a grocery store as the one with the primary responsibility for determining what we would eat. I may even have come close to hyperventilating a time or two. (I don't like to be bad at things, especially seemingly simple things like making a trip to the grocery store.)

Over the past few years, I have become much more confident in my cooking (and shopping) "skills." My appreciation for Pioneer Woman and my undying love for Tasty Kitchen should come as no surprise to anyone reading this right now. (Allrecipes, with a few recipe exceptions, is forever ruined for me.) One of the things I am most grateful to have figured out is knowing what I like to cook with on a regular basis. I still have a number of spices that I used once, four years ago. Yet despite the advances I have made, I am still quite inefficient with and significantly intimidated by meal planning. One of the reasons I love Tasty Kitchen is because Ree and the gals feature five recipes every weekday. I go there almost every day and add any recipes I really want to try. Viola. A substantial recipe base to consult whenever I choose. And while I have made several of those recipes, my "menu planning" is still nowhere near as consistent or convenient as I would like it to be.

I do have a point.

Here it is.

Ann Voskamp posted this link to (someone else's) 15 weeks of meal plans, and the meals themselves look pretty good. The website even includes printable shopping lists for each week. This isn't the first time I've been tempted to try something like this. However, I cannot overcome the one objection I have always encountered when contemplating taking the leap. I feel so constricted by using just one person's recipes! I know, I know. It should be so simple just to trade out a couple of recipes. But I literally feel physically unable to make that kind of commitment.

Hello. My name is Lisa. And I am a commitment phobic--at least where any kind of work, change, or especially work coupled with change is involved. I think.

This is where you come in, friends. Do you have any meal planning tips that work for you? Did you have this same irrational fear of committing to meal planning, but there was something you did that finally propelled you into slowly morphing into a meal planning pro? Can you tell me to stop being ridiculous, just use the dang meal plan, and swap out a recipe or two already? I feel like I'm a frozen newbie in the grocery store again. I need a good swift kick in the pants, or I will probably be frozen here for the rest of my life, paralyzed by too many options.

I'll let you know if I ever thaw out and get moving. Until then, I hope someone else finds the meal plan link helpful. Revel in your domestic diva-ness, and then try to telepathically transfer some of those vibes to me.

Sincerely,
Your domestically-challenged friend

I have a hobby!

This is only significant because it's been so long since I've taken up a new hobby. Well, there was the guitar a few years back, but that was short-lived, and I am still optimistic about picking it up again. At any rate, I've actually been learning a little bit about our new camera and playing around with it. Mostly, though, I've been exploring Photoshop Elements. Now, not only does Pioneer Woman supply me with a steady stream of yummy recipes, she has also become my tutor for all things photography. Just what I need, another reason to follow her blog obsessively! While she does have a number of tutorial posts, I haven't gotten around to most of those yet. Primarily, I have been using her free actions for PSE. I just love it when I don't have to learn every trick there is to Photoshop, and instead I can benefit from someone else's expertise! And I have still learned a couple of things from playing around with the actions too.

Here are a few of my favorites so far.

Suffocated by (false) hope

Before I get started on this post, I just want to say that I hope I didn't give the impression in my last post that "feeling more burdened than blessed" is a dominant state of mind. It certainly can be, but I didn't mean to imply that just because moms can feel a little overwhelmed at times, or frustrated because they are not feeling "blessed" by their children 24 hours a day, that feeling burdened dominates. I just started getting unsettled about my own wording and wanted to be sure I was clear on that. All I'm really trying to say is that God's most generous blessings do not always leave us feeling blessed. And that is not to say that they always leave us feeling burdened either! Capiche? I am probably just butchering my thoughts on this subject, so on to other things.

Actually, I lied. I'm sticking to the same subject. You know someone who's been feeling a little too much burden and a lot too little blessing these days? This gal right here. (I'm pointing to me.) Which is completely and utterly ridonculous because I live just about as much of a charmed life as I could possibly imagine.

I just read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts, which was written because of a challenge to her to write down 1000 blessings. The importance of how we filter our lives with our thoughts and perspective is just so glaringly obvious. We have become so entitled as Americans. As a group, we just keep taking and taking and taking and always looking for more because none of it ever satisfies. And when we do that, we fail to recognize just how much we have been given and that God, who owes us nothing, is the gracious author of every last one of those good gifts. When we recognize his gifts, we can stop mindlessly consuming and start appreciating what we have.

My own selfishness stunned me a few weeks ago, and it continues to stun me. I met Justin before I ever had the desire to be married. And I almost literally have no idea how I wound up with someone so devoted to me and, even more than that, devoted to working to have a marriage that is pleasing to God. So I was stunned to step out of what has become this almost all consuming desire to have a child to realize just how all consuming it has become. If God chooses to keep our earthly family as just me and Justin, I am so blessed! I am so blessed to have him as my husband. And yet so many days feel more polluted by a desire for something I do not have than warmed by much deserved gratitude to God for all that I do have.

This is the first month in a while that I have had the opportunity to feel the all too familiar sensation of days and hours and minutes crawling by until I have answers for another month. The week I can take a pregnancy test. The week I simply cannot stop wondering: Will this be the month we can get on with our lives and that I can stop obsessing about becoming a mom? The week I begin waiting for a day that is not too early to take a test. The week I have been known to take as many as three tests. Because inevitably, the test comes back negative and then I reason that I must have taken it too early. So the questions, and the unquenchable ray of optimism, persist. This is my suffocation by hope.

But any hope that is suffocating is no hope at all. For God's word says, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you" (Isa 26:3) and again, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7).

Jesus is our only real hope. He is the only unfailing hope. The only perfect hope. Hoping in anything else is foolishness. Even if the thing I hope in is good, it can never be good enough to replace God. Which is why hoping in anything else is sinful idolatry. And why that false hope leads to suffocation. Not perfect peace.

I pray that God uses this time in my life to teach me to put my hope in Christ, my rock and my redeemer, and to teach me to gratefully accept whatever gifts and whatever trials may come from his perfect hand. That is my prayer for me. And it is also my prayer for all of you. Maybe this will be the month I finally learn.

What it means to be a blessing

After I shared this article on Facebook this morning, my friend Shannon made a comment that gave me some good insight into how to be an encouragement to moms and anyone else who may be feeling slightly more burdened than blessed.

The article talks about motherhood as a high calling--which I wholeheartedly agree with. Being a mom is one of the most challenging and important responsibilities a woman can have. But it is challenging. So I'm told. :) Shannon made the comment that she hadn't ever really thought of motherhood as a high calling but had heard several people say that children are a blessing. I had never thought of those as two sides of the same coin before. I think, particularly in Christian circles, we can all have a tendency to write off the challenges and the hard work of investing in family--whether that family is a spouse, kids, parents, siblings, or whomever--with the one dimensional comment, "But they're such a blessing." Yes, that is true, but it's also true that our greatest blessings and privileges require WORK. Are children still a blessing when you haven't had a full night's sleep or talked to another adult in weeks? Is a spouse still a blessing when his/her dirty dishes are strewn all over the kitchen for the fifth time that week despite your pleas for him/her to put them in the dishwasher? (I'm the one guilty of that offense more often than not, by the way.) Of course they are still blessings.

Let's be wary of not listening. Let's be wary of those one dimensional comments. Yes, mothers, your children are blessings. But that doesn't mean that they should or will make you smile 24 hours a day. Do you know a mom who could use a little extra encouragement today? Let her know it's okay if she's feeling more burdened than blessed. And help share the load. Then you will both be blessed. :)

*This post dedicated to the three beautiful mamas from church who welcomed or will be welcoming their precious babies this week!

Hi, neglected friends

There are really only a few things I have to tell you about life lately:

1. I have become unbearably lazy and incapable of doing anything productive with my free time (outside of business work and house work). Thus, the lack of posting. I am halfway joking. Well, maybe only a quarter. I really do end up zoning out in front of the computer when I don't know what else to do, and it really is getting on my nerves. I need motivation. And maybe a hobby.

2. My parents came to visit last week. They brought us a digital SLR camera as a gift for our birthdays! Someday, that will become a new hobby. Right now it is new and overwhelming. But now that I know what SLR even is, I might even learn a thing or two about camera settings or even more fancy-schmancy things like aperture or shutter speed. Here, see a picture I have yet to (attempt to) edit. This is from the Outer Banks, where we spent a couple days with my parents. It was great to get away!

3. I just got back from a short trip to NJ where Justin was attending a class for work. I didn't fly up to meet him until the middle of the week, but it was quite a nice short little getaway, made even nicer by getting to visit with the lovely Ms. Beth Ann and her hubby as they are only about a month away from meeting their first baby boy.

It almost wasn't such a nice trip, though, because you see, I have this irrational fear of arriving anywhere too early, especially when I'm by myself. And I'm also incapable of packing unless it is the last minute, bordering on running late. These two facts combined mean that as I arrived at the airport's long-term parking lot, I was anxious to grab the first available shuttle. Which means that when I saw the shuttle arriving as I was unloading my bags, I decided to make a run for it. Which means that I was thinking to myself, "I feel like I've forgotten something. But I have all my bags, the sunshade is up, and the car is locked." So off I ran after the shuttle. Well, I "ran" as best I could in my sparkly loose fitting (in other words, falling off my feet) flip flops. I was probably ten feet behind the shuttle when it took off to the next station, which I could see down the deserted road. I was going to let it be, but it paused there even though no one was waiting, so I took off once again...and missed it again. But the third stop was also in sight and I had closed in, so I tried once more. This time it seemed like the shuttle driver saw me coming, and it's a good thing too, because when I was about 5 feet behind him, my shoe fell off completely and I stood there like a fumbling idiot for what seemed like a small eternity. I finally got on the shuttle to what appeared to be repressed snickers from the few passengers and workers on the bus. Ah, I just love showcasing my idiocy to total strangers.

It was only after I started to settle in a bit and but my keys in my purse that it hit me. I had left my cell phone in the car. So I had no way to contact Justin or Beth Ann, who was supposed to be picking me up at a train station...assuming everything went smoothly on her end and mine. Anyway, to sum up this rambling story, it all worked out in the end. I finally managed to reach Justin on a phone in the USO, God bless 'em, and Justin left a message with Beth Ann for me. And here we are. Safe and sound back in NC with a phone that wasn't even fried from baking in a hot car for three days. Just how did any of us function before cell phones anyway? Not that I'm functioning so hot these days. Haha.

4. I'm looking forward to co-hosting a bridal shower this weekend! We're going to honor our triathlon-competing architect friend with original games including a domestic triathlon and a competition to see who comes closest to building the bride and groom's dream house. It's going to be epic.

Hope you are all well, friends.

Wild and crazy Friday nights

Let it not be said that I don't know how to let loose on a Friday night.

This past Friday, a newly purchased steam cleaner arrived on our doorstep. So, naturally, I spent the night trying it out. Justin said he felt like he was dreaming. I was alternating between cooking and cleaning (for probably the first time in our four years of marriage). If I had been wearing high heals, I would have been the model wife. But I have to say that it was a night well spent because our carpet and rugs are now spotless.

BA, I strongly considered taking a picture of the dirty water and ridiculous pile of pet hair that the cleaner accumulated as a mock pic for the 30-day photo challenge, but I refrained. Like the mature adult that I am...too sophisticated for such shenanigans. Or maybe because the idea of putting such a picture on the Internet for the world to see creeped me out. Either way, you're welcome.

We have two green baby tomatoes growing in our garden!

Is anyone else in love with the smell of producing tomato plants? I know I am.

Restoration: The unexpected edition

This wasn't the post I intended to write. This was supposed to be "Restoration: In which my garden actually IS a reflection of my life edition."

The morning Justin and I had planned to start our gluten-free, low sugar diet, the morning I was mourning my newly destroyed garden and my newly "offical" infertility status...I took a positive pregnancy test. Note to self: A negative pregnancy test does not an "official" make.

That positive did not bring me the overwhelming sense of relief I had anticipated it would. Instead, I took a deep breath and thought, "Okay. We'll see how this goes." And I have been holding my breath ever since.

I did gladly cancel my infertility appointment and make a prenatal appointment in its stead. That appointment was supposed to be on the 12th, but I called in the day after I made the appointment and said that given my history, I would really like to come in earlier. Could I at least come in to have my hormone levels checked? The woman I talked to fit me in that week--April 29--one day after my infertility appointment had originally been scheduled.

Justin and I went to the appointment with no idea what to expect. When we arrived (in a town 45-min away) the midwife we met with said her notes said that I was there to "ask a few questions." Um no. Questions were not going to get me the answers I was seeking. She was so helpful, though, and felt so bad that we had driven "so far" that she managed to arrange an ultrasound for us later that afternoon. Last time I was pregnant there wasn't an embryo, only a placenta. This time we were able to clearly see an egg, praise the Lord! When we met with the nurse again, she said the tech had estimated me at 4 weeks, 4 days. I thought it was odd and next to impossible that I would be that early, given that I had known for almost two weeks at that point. She also told us that the sac had a slightly irregular shape "which might mean something or might not mean anything." Since I was so early in my pregnancy, there was no chance of seeing a heartbeat at this stage, and she sent me home with another ultrasound scheduled just over two weeks out--yesterday.

The first week passed by without too much anxiety, but I tell you what, once I had just one week left until my appointment, all my memories of hearing the news at my first ultrasound last year came flooding back, and suddenly I was terrified. There had been a week between appointments then, and I think that must have been the trigger. I am not and have never been a worrier, but I have never been so fearful in my life. It didn't help that the passing days were not bringing any significant signs of pregnancy. Yes, I was actually praying for morning sickness! But I knew I didn't need morning sickness to have a healthy pregnancy. I took comfort in seeing an egg this time, and I very much looked forward to getting through yesterday's appointment.

Well, here we are on the other side. I can't say this part of the story was totally unexpected. I had vividly imagined living through both possible scenarios. Unfortunately, it is not the scenario we had been hoping and praying for. When we arrived for our appointment yesterday morning, we got to go straight in to the ultrasound. But the tech never turned on the screen in front of me, and she never said a word about what she was seeing. This was starting to feel achingly familiar. After five or ten minutes of Justin's praying silently and my patiently waiting and hoping and occasionally glancing over to the tech's grimacing face, the tech finished her work. She said she was sorry for the wait--that she knew it was hard and she had been there--and that she would try to get the nurse to talk to us as quickly as she could. She left the room and I rolled over toward Justin and cried. Could this really be happening again?

The tech came back into the room and told me I wasn't scheduled to see the nurse for another half hour, and they were busy this morning so she might be late. I choked out, "Well, I'm pretty sure that your not giving me any information gives me all the information I need." And she actually responded, "I'm really sorry. I can't tell you anything whether it's good or bad." An hour later, we finally saw the nurse. I told her if she had good news for me then they seriously needed to change the way they did things around there. She told me that no, she didn't have good news for us. There was no sign of a hearbeat, although there was a fetal pole. She said development had probably stopped a week ago. I made a conscious effort to register what was said this time, and again, the midwife was very helpful and compassionate. In regards to her response, this experience was much better than the last. Still, I surprised myself by feeling anger. Anger that we were finding out in exactly the same manner--at some impersonal office with someone I barely know giving us unwelcome news. That I would have to face the same waiting and fears again the next time.

Again, our midwife was very helpful. She took care of every possible next step for us and even scheduled a new visit with one of the infertility specialists, which will be at the end of June. I need to send her a note of thanks today.

Well, that's the story, really. The story of another short life that God graciously added to our family, only from my very limited perspective and understanding. We have been praying for God to fulfill all the days he has for this little life. That is still our prayer. That, above all, this life will bring glory to the One who created it. The One who creates life has every right to take it away, even if it is painful, even if we do not understand why. Our family will be together for eternity! The length of this earthly life pales in comparison. And I still believe that we will be parents. And I still believe...still know...that God is good even if we never become "traditional" parents. This is just a small part of our story, and make no mistake, it is still a story of restoration. There are many more chapters to read yet, though, and at that time, we will see so much more beauty in this chapter. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. To the one who gives and takes away.

Thank you for being a part of our story. For cheering us on and supporting us in the dark times. For acknowledging with us that this is not the end.