So now you know

I hate keeping secrets about myself. I'd much rather be an open book. So now you know all (okay, most of) my secrets again!

Actually, there was a little more to this story. There's another person's story to share, and I want to do that person justice by sharing it. During both previous pregnancies, we never saw a heartbeat, so I was really holding my breath for our first ultrasound. Unfortunately, Justin missed out on all my appointments so far because of his training in OK. My sweet friend and our pastor's wife, Olivia, was kind enough to accompany me to my first two appointments.

Well, as I told Justin while sobbing into the phone after my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, I didn't see a heartbeat; I saw two! Yes, the Lord had graciously blessed us with twins! Now, if I'm completely honest here, the first thought to cross my mind was "At least this makes the odds of actually delivering one much higher." One friend and another friend-of-a-friend both lost a twin within the last year, so I was prepared for the very real possibility of becoming part of that 20% who experience what doctors so euphamistically call "vanishing twin syndrome." Justin, on the other hand, has always joked about having twins, and I think he was in shock with joy and disbelief.

A week and a half later I went in for another ultrasound and learned that we had lost one of the twins. Development had stopped shortly after my first ultrasound. I feel blessed that God gave me that first ultrasound to see those two beautiful little heartbeats. And while I wish I could still say that we're expecting twins, believe me when I say I feel blessed to have been given that child even though God chose to take that child home to Him so early--like our other babies, before he/she could experience any pain or suffering in this world. I have come to realize that we could hardly have been given any greater gift. To have God add to our family, and more importantly to His, for all of eternity. It's pretty incredible to think about.

But "Baby B" was going strong at that appointment, and then again at my next appointment a week later. Today I am 15 weeks! Can I just tell you how wonderful that sounds?? Any time I said out loud that I was 8 weeks or 10 weeks, or even 12 weeks, I would say it with some trepidation. When I said out loud that I was 10 weeks, it was really like saying "I'm 10 weeks and hoping that I'll make it to the next...and the next...and the next." While I'm still more than ready to see our baby wiggling and squirming and growing at our next appointment on the 20th, I'm certainly more confident that I will get to meet Baby B in person than I ever have been. The periodic sickness I've had for the last several weeks has started to disappear (I can even brush my teeth almost like a normal person again!), but now I can see my belly starting to grow. So that is my reassurance for now.

We should be able to find out on the 20th whether we're having a boy or a girl, but I've been so focused on just seeing a healthy baby that I've barely given any thought to the gender. When we first found out I was pregnant I was convinced it was a boy. But since we found out about and then lost one of the twins, I have had NO inclinations one way or another. I think that's because in some ways this pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I find myself waking up from naps feeling like I've been dreaming that I'm pregnant. I'm hoping and expecting that will change in less than two weeks! By then I should be close to feeling the baby move too. I imagine it will feel real then!

I don't have too much of a belly to show at the moment, but at Katherine's request, I'll leave you with one shot for now (taken just after lunch for maximum impact).

Either Katherine is the only person still reading my blog after a 2-month hiatus, or she's the only one reading it carefully. Which is entirely possible. But if you read my last post and didn't notice anything unusual, you might want to take a second look.

There's no place like home

Goodness gracious, this half of the year has been one big blur. After spending a month in Oklahoma while Justin finished training out there, we are finally home to stay for a little while. That is, until Justin takes another trip to the desert, but this upcoming one will be only 45 days and he will be back just in time to attend his sister's wedding! Praise the Lord. Then we will be expecting a move in the summer. We love our home, our friends, and our church here in Goldsboro and will be shedding plenty of tears over this move, I have no doubt.

On top of that, it's going to be quite an adventure moving with a dog, a cat, and a newborn, but I'm up to the challenge. ;)

(Please don't say anything on FB just yet. Very few of our local friends know. But that will change this weekend.)

Take the glory, Take 2

Over two years ago I wrote about a valuable lesson God taught me through running. He taught me that finding strength in him began with first acknowledging all he had given me. And it's taken me almost two years to learn how to apply that lesson to one of the most difficult trials of my life.

Two months ago I wrote about my struggle to find hope in God, and not in my own desires. A struggle that has been going on every month for closing in on two years now. This month especially I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. And then I had a little chat with a friend about faith that reminded me of this "Take the glory" principle I thought I had learned so long ago. So, this month, when I thought I could hardly bear the waiting and the hoping any longer, instead of pleading for God to be enough, I acknowleged that he IS enough. In the midst of all my anxiety, out of faith, I decalred, "Lord, you are enough." And, just like that, he was. No more pleading. Just the wonderful stillness and calm and trust in God I have been pleading for for so long now.

It was a major victory. My circumstances didn't change, but God allowed me to rest with a pure faith and hope in him. And I am so thankful he did. So thankful he has.

Have you been wondering why God isn't enough? Trust that he is, and watch and wait for him, with eager anticipation, to work.

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

--Matthew 17:20

Weddings, printers, and foolish pride

So. This time last weekend I was in a wedding. And not just any wedding, but the wedding of one of my closest friends. And it was awesome. I think, if it's possible, I was actually more excited for Leah's wedding than I was for my own...because now I know just a little bit more about what marriage is and what it means than I did...well, before I was married. You get the idea.

I wanted to do something special for Leah and Ty, particularly because I had such an attentive and spectacular matron of honor and because Leah added quite a few personal touches to my own wedding. The bar had been set high, and I was going to do everything I could to rise to the challenge.

When I first saw letter photography, I was pretty well entranced by it, and I always thought that Leah, as an architect, would appreciate it as well. Granted, it's a little more "trendy" now than it was when I first saw it a few years ago (trendy=not an architect thing), but I decided to make a name collage as a wedding gift. And now that I had my own fancy camera, I wanted to take all my own pictures. Well, the whole thing ended up being quite a bit more of a production than I had imagined, especially since I didn't always know (and still don't) how to use Photoshop efficiently and also because to accommodate seven letters I ended up going with a 10x30 print (which ain't exactly small!), but in the end I was a little too pleased with myself and how it came out. I know if I knew anything more about photography, I would not have been as prideful. Know what I mean? (But I'm still ignorant, so it's all good for now.)

Here's the final product:

Leah and Ty are triathletes, which explains the bike rack (W) and running trail (S) pictures. (You can't tell very well because this image is so small, but my running shoes are in the foreground of the trail picture.) Because they live on the Gulf, the A is a pier and the first T is a fleur de lis. The second T is the steeple of the church where they were married (also the church Leah helped rebuild as the lead architect after Katrina), and the E is part of the American flag as a nod to Ty's service in the Navy. The R is just a random arm of a bench because there aren't a lot of picture options for that letter, but it might actually be my favorite picture. I really like the texture from the grain of the wood.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but you can't really just order a 10x30 print from Wal-Mart. I actually considered several options for the print, including canvas. One idea I saw online and wanted to steal was to print each letter to its own canvas so the letters could be set on a mantle or a shelf as separate tiles. But I couldn't find a printer that would print canvases that small.

I ended up going with Color, Inc., and I was quite pleased with them. I hope I have a reason to give them more business again! They actually send you 5 free 5x7 prints before you place an order with them so you can be sure their prints match what you see on your computer. If not, you can make adjustments, which I didn't need to do. In addition to that, their shipping is free, unless you get something over 40 inches, I think it is. The print came via Priority Mail in just a couple of days. I couldn't believe it was that fast and free!

Plus they seem to be a Christian (family-run?) business, and they sent me this little "Thanks for signing up" note in the mail that I thought was a pretty cool little touch. So simple, and yet quite original. Look 'em up the next time you need a printer.

While I was sleeping...

Summer passed me by. Yes, this is one of those, "Wow, has it really been a month??" posts.

This summer has been busy, busy, busy, and we've only been home for about half of it. In July, my parents came for the 4th and we spent a couple of days in Hatteras (the southern part of the Outer Banks). Turns out we were some of the last tourists there for the year because Irene tore up the only road providing access to the island. The week after the 4th we were in NJ while Justin took a class for work. The weekend after that, I went up to Northern VA for Leah's bridal shower, and Justin left for 5 weeks in Montgomery, AL, for another work-related class. Eddie and I joined him a few days later. Poor Lily was stuck at home for a month, with kind friends checking in on her. We came back home at the end of August, just in time for our first hurricane! Irene left us without power for 31 hours, but it certainly could have been worse. Fortunately we did not lose any trees. Several houses in the area took some good hits. And this past weekend was Leah's wedding! We had such a blast celebrating with Leah and Ty and seeing good friends and family. We haven't had a reunion like that in years, and I don't know when we will again.

So now we have a couple of weeks at home, but just a couple of weeks. Justin will be headed to Instructor school in OK the first week of October. I won't be able to join him for this one, unfortunately, because there's just no good option for the pets. I will probably go out for the last part of it. His course should finish up a week or so before Thanksgiving, which will allow us to spend the holiday with my family. Then, in the new year, we will be looking at a possible deployment and/or a move. So as you can see, things are changing pretty fast around here! It's starting to settle in that we won't be able to call Goldsboro home much longer, and we won't even be here for a good chunk of the time we have left.

What? What's that you say? We're a military family? And that requires moving??? Oh right. I thought we'd met our quota our first year of marriage. How silly of me. But in all honesty, we are so blessed to have been able to be here for as long as we have. I'm not sure we could have had a better first assignment.

On becoming a domestic diva (which I most certainly am not)

When Justin and I first got married, I didn't know how to cook much more than a frozen dinner. I was intimidated just to set foot in a grocery store as the one with the primary responsibility for determining what we would eat. I may even have come close to hyperventilating a time or two. (I don't like to be bad at things, especially seemingly simple things like making a trip to the grocery store.)

Over the past few years, I have become much more confident in my cooking (and shopping) "skills." My appreciation for Pioneer Woman and my undying love for Tasty Kitchen should come as no surprise to anyone reading this right now. (Allrecipes, with a few recipe exceptions, is forever ruined for me.) One of the things I am most grateful to have figured out is knowing what I like to cook with on a regular basis. I still have a number of spices that I used once, four years ago. Yet despite the advances I have made, I am still quite inefficient with and significantly intimidated by meal planning. One of the reasons I love Tasty Kitchen is because Ree and the gals feature five recipes every weekday. I go there almost every day and add any recipes I really want to try. Viola. A substantial recipe base to consult whenever I choose. And while I have made several of those recipes, my "menu planning" is still nowhere near as consistent or convenient as I would like it to be.

I do have a point.

Here it is.

Ann Voskamp posted this link to (someone else's) 15 weeks of meal plans, and the meals themselves look pretty good. The website even includes printable shopping lists for each week. This isn't the first time I've been tempted to try something like this. However, I cannot overcome the one objection I have always encountered when contemplating taking the leap. I feel so constricted by using just one person's recipes! I know, I know. It should be so simple just to trade out a couple of recipes. But I literally feel physically unable to make that kind of commitment.

Hello. My name is Lisa. And I am a commitment phobic--at least where any kind of work, change, or especially work coupled with change is involved. I think.

This is where you come in, friends. Do you have any meal planning tips that work for you? Did you have this same irrational fear of committing to meal planning, but there was something you did that finally propelled you into slowly morphing into a meal planning pro? Can you tell me to stop being ridiculous, just use the dang meal plan, and swap out a recipe or two already? I feel like I'm a frozen newbie in the grocery store again. I need a good swift kick in the pants, or I will probably be frozen here for the rest of my life, paralyzed by too many options.

I'll let you know if I ever thaw out and get moving. Until then, I hope someone else finds the meal plan link helpful. Revel in your domestic diva-ness, and then try to telepathically transfer some of those vibes to me.

Sincerely,
Your domestically-challenged friend

I have a hobby!

This is only significant because it's been so long since I've taken up a new hobby. Well, there was the guitar a few years back, but that was short-lived, and I am still optimistic about picking it up again. At any rate, I've actually been learning a little bit about our new camera and playing around with it. Mostly, though, I've been exploring Photoshop Elements. Now, not only does Pioneer Woman supply me with a steady stream of yummy recipes, she has also become my tutor for all things photography. Just what I need, another reason to follow her blog obsessively! While she does have a number of tutorial posts, I haven't gotten around to most of those yet. Primarily, I have been using her free actions for PSE. I just love it when I don't have to learn every trick there is to Photoshop, and instead I can benefit from someone else's expertise! And I have still learned a couple of things from playing around with the actions too.

Here are a few of my favorites so far.

Suffocated by (false) hope

Before I get started on this post, I just want to say that I hope I didn't give the impression in my last post that "feeling more burdened than blessed" is a dominant state of mind. It certainly can be, but I didn't mean to imply that just because moms can feel a little overwhelmed at times, or frustrated because they are not feeling "blessed" by their children 24 hours a day, that feeling burdened dominates. I just started getting unsettled about my own wording and wanted to be sure I was clear on that. All I'm really trying to say is that God's most generous blessings do not always leave us feeling blessed. And that is not to say that they always leave us feeling burdened either! Capiche? I am probably just butchering my thoughts on this subject, so on to other things.

Actually, I lied. I'm sticking to the same subject. You know someone who's been feeling a little too much burden and a lot too little blessing these days? This gal right here. (I'm pointing to me.) Which is completely and utterly ridonculous because I live just about as much of a charmed life as I could possibly imagine.

I just read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts, which was written because of a challenge to her to write down 1000 blessings. The importance of how we filter our lives with our thoughts and perspective is just so glaringly obvious. We have become so entitled as Americans. As a group, we just keep taking and taking and taking and always looking for more because none of it ever satisfies. And when we do that, we fail to recognize just how much we have been given and that God, who owes us nothing, is the gracious author of every last one of those good gifts. When we recognize his gifts, we can stop mindlessly consuming and start appreciating what we have.

My own selfishness stunned me a few weeks ago, and it continues to stun me. I met Justin before I ever had the desire to be married. And I almost literally have no idea how I wound up with someone so devoted to me and, even more than that, devoted to working to have a marriage that is pleasing to God. So I was stunned to step out of what has become this almost all consuming desire to have a child to realize just how all consuming it has become. If God chooses to keep our earthly family as just me and Justin, I am so blessed! I am so blessed to have him as my husband. And yet so many days feel more polluted by a desire for something I do not have than warmed by much deserved gratitude to God for all that I do have.

This is the first month in a while that I have had the opportunity to feel the all too familiar sensation of days and hours and minutes crawling by until I have answers for another month. The week I can take a pregnancy test. The week I simply cannot stop wondering: Will this be the month we can get on with our lives and that I can stop obsessing about becoming a mom? The week I begin waiting for a day that is not too early to take a test. The week I have been known to take as many as three tests. Because inevitably, the test comes back negative and then I reason that I must have taken it too early. So the questions, and the unquenchable ray of optimism, persist. This is my suffocation by hope.

But any hope that is suffocating is no hope at all. For God's word says, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you" (Isa 26:3) and again, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7).

Jesus is our only real hope. He is the only unfailing hope. The only perfect hope. Hoping in anything else is foolishness. Even if the thing I hope in is good, it can never be good enough to replace God. Which is why hoping in anything else is sinful idolatry. And why that false hope leads to suffocation. Not perfect peace.

I pray that God uses this time in my life to teach me to put my hope in Christ, my rock and my redeemer, and to teach me to gratefully accept whatever gifts and whatever trials may come from his perfect hand. That is my prayer for me. And it is also my prayer for all of you. Maybe this will be the month I finally learn.

What it means to be a blessing

After I shared this article on Facebook this morning, my friend Shannon made a comment that gave me some good insight into how to be an encouragement to moms and anyone else who may be feeling slightly more burdened than blessed.

The article talks about motherhood as a high calling--which I wholeheartedly agree with. Being a mom is one of the most challenging and important responsibilities a woman can have. But it is challenging. So I'm told. :) Shannon made the comment that she hadn't ever really thought of motherhood as a high calling but had heard several people say that children are a blessing. I had never thought of those as two sides of the same coin before. I think, particularly in Christian circles, we can all have a tendency to write off the challenges and the hard work of investing in family--whether that family is a spouse, kids, parents, siblings, or whomever--with the one dimensional comment, "But they're such a blessing." Yes, that is true, but it's also true that our greatest blessings and privileges require WORK. Are children still a blessing when you haven't had a full night's sleep or talked to another adult in weeks? Is a spouse still a blessing when his/her dirty dishes are strewn all over the kitchen for the fifth time that week despite your pleas for him/her to put them in the dishwasher? (I'm the one guilty of that offense more often than not, by the way.) Of course they are still blessings.

Let's be wary of not listening. Let's be wary of those one dimensional comments. Yes, mothers, your children are blessings. But that doesn't mean that they should or will make you smile 24 hours a day. Do you know a mom who could use a little extra encouragement today? Let her know it's okay if she's feeling more burdened than blessed. And help share the load. Then you will both be blessed. :)

*This post dedicated to the three beautiful mamas from church who welcomed or will be welcoming their precious babies this week!

Hi, neglected friends

There are really only a few things I have to tell you about life lately:

1. I have become unbearably lazy and incapable of doing anything productive with my free time (outside of business work and house work). Thus, the lack of posting. I am halfway joking. Well, maybe only a quarter. I really do end up zoning out in front of the computer when I don't know what else to do, and it really is getting on my nerves. I need motivation. And maybe a hobby.

2. My parents came to visit last week. They brought us a digital SLR camera as a gift for our birthdays! Someday, that will become a new hobby. Right now it is new and overwhelming. But now that I know what SLR even is, I might even learn a thing or two about camera settings or even more fancy-schmancy things like aperture or shutter speed. Here, see a picture I have yet to (attempt to) edit. This is from the Outer Banks, where we spent a couple days with my parents. It was great to get away!

3. I just got back from a short trip to NJ where Justin was attending a class for work. I didn't fly up to meet him until the middle of the week, but it was quite a nice short little getaway, made even nicer by getting to visit with the lovely Ms. Beth Ann and her hubby as they are only about a month away from meeting their first baby boy.

It almost wasn't such a nice trip, though, because you see, I have this irrational fear of arriving anywhere too early, especially when I'm by myself. And I'm also incapable of packing unless it is the last minute, bordering on running late. These two facts combined mean that as I arrived at the airport's long-term parking lot, I was anxious to grab the first available shuttle. Which means that when I saw the shuttle arriving as I was unloading my bags, I decided to make a run for it. Which means that I was thinking to myself, "I feel like I've forgotten something. But I have all my bags, the sunshade is up, and the car is locked." So off I ran after the shuttle. Well, I "ran" as best I could in my sparkly loose fitting (in other words, falling off my feet) flip flops. I was probably ten feet behind the shuttle when it took off to the next station, which I could see down the deserted road. I was going to let it be, but it paused there even though no one was waiting, so I took off once again...and missed it again. But the third stop was also in sight and I had closed in, so I tried once more. This time it seemed like the shuttle driver saw me coming, and it's a good thing too, because when I was about 5 feet behind him, my shoe fell off completely and I stood there like a fumbling idiot for what seemed like a small eternity. I finally got on the shuttle to what appeared to be repressed snickers from the few passengers and workers on the bus. Ah, I just love showcasing my idiocy to total strangers.

It was only after I started to settle in a bit and but my keys in my purse that it hit me. I had left my cell phone in the car. So I had no way to contact Justin or Beth Ann, who was supposed to be picking me up at a train station...assuming everything went smoothly on her end and mine. Anyway, to sum up this rambling story, it all worked out in the end. I finally managed to reach Justin on a phone in the USO, God bless 'em, and Justin left a message with Beth Ann for me. And here we are. Safe and sound back in NC with a phone that wasn't even fried from baking in a hot car for three days. Just how did any of us function before cell phones anyway? Not that I'm functioning so hot these days. Haha.

4. I'm looking forward to co-hosting a bridal shower this weekend! We're going to honor our triathlon-competing architect friend with original games including a domestic triathlon and a competition to see who comes closest to building the bride and groom's dream house. It's going to be epic.

Hope you are all well, friends.

Wild and crazy Friday nights

Let it not be said that I don't know how to let loose on a Friday night.

This past Friday, a newly purchased steam cleaner arrived on our doorstep. So, naturally, I spent the night trying it out. Justin said he felt like he was dreaming. I was alternating between cooking and cleaning (for probably the first time in our four years of marriage). If I had been wearing high heals, I would have been the model wife. But I have to say that it was a night well spent because our carpet and rugs are now spotless.

BA, I strongly considered taking a picture of the dirty water and ridiculous pile of pet hair that the cleaner accumulated as a mock pic for the 30-day photo challenge, but I refrained. Like the mature adult that I am...too sophisticated for such shenanigans. Or maybe because the idea of putting such a picture on the Internet for the world to see creeped me out. Either way, you're welcome.

We have two green baby tomatoes growing in our garden!

Is anyone else in love with the smell of producing tomato plants? I know I am.

Restoration: The unexpected edition

This wasn't the post I intended to write. This was supposed to be "Restoration: In which my garden actually IS a reflection of my life edition."

The morning Justin and I had planned to start our gluten-free, low sugar diet, the morning I was mourning my newly destroyed garden and my newly "offical" infertility status...I took a positive pregnancy test. Note to self: A negative pregnancy test does not an "official" make.

That positive did not bring me the overwhelming sense of relief I had anticipated it would. Instead, I took a deep breath and thought, "Okay. We'll see how this goes." And I have been holding my breath ever since.

I did gladly cancel my infertility appointment and make a prenatal appointment in its stead. That appointment was supposed to be on the 12th, but I called in the day after I made the appointment and said that given my history, I would really like to come in earlier. Could I at least come in to have my hormone levels checked? The woman I talked to fit me in that week--April 29--one day after my infertility appointment had originally been scheduled.

Justin and I went to the appointment with no idea what to expect. When we arrived (in a town 45-min away) the midwife we met with said her notes said that I was there to "ask a few questions." Um no. Questions were not going to get me the answers I was seeking. She was so helpful, though, and felt so bad that we had driven "so far" that she managed to arrange an ultrasound for us later that afternoon. Last time I was pregnant there wasn't an embryo, only a placenta. This time we were able to clearly see an egg, praise the Lord! When we met with the nurse again, she said the tech had estimated me at 4 weeks, 4 days. I thought it was odd and next to impossible that I would be that early, given that I had known for almost two weeks at that point. She also told us that the sac had a slightly irregular shape "which might mean something or might not mean anything." Since I was so early in my pregnancy, there was no chance of seeing a heartbeat at this stage, and she sent me home with another ultrasound scheduled just over two weeks out--yesterday.

The first week passed by without too much anxiety, but I tell you what, once I had just one week left until my appointment, all my memories of hearing the news at my first ultrasound last year came flooding back, and suddenly I was terrified. There had been a week between appointments then, and I think that must have been the trigger. I am not and have never been a worrier, but I have never been so fearful in my life. It didn't help that the passing days were not bringing any significant signs of pregnancy. Yes, I was actually praying for morning sickness! But I knew I didn't need morning sickness to have a healthy pregnancy. I took comfort in seeing an egg this time, and I very much looked forward to getting through yesterday's appointment.

Well, here we are on the other side. I can't say this part of the story was totally unexpected. I had vividly imagined living through both possible scenarios. Unfortunately, it is not the scenario we had been hoping and praying for. When we arrived for our appointment yesterday morning, we got to go straight in to the ultrasound. But the tech never turned on the screen in front of me, and she never said a word about what she was seeing. This was starting to feel achingly familiar. After five or ten minutes of Justin's praying silently and my patiently waiting and hoping and occasionally glancing over to the tech's grimacing face, the tech finished her work. She said she was sorry for the wait--that she knew it was hard and she had been there--and that she would try to get the nurse to talk to us as quickly as she could. She left the room and I rolled over toward Justin and cried. Could this really be happening again?

The tech came back into the room and told me I wasn't scheduled to see the nurse for another half hour, and they were busy this morning so she might be late. I choked out, "Well, I'm pretty sure that your not giving me any information gives me all the information I need." And she actually responded, "I'm really sorry. I can't tell you anything whether it's good or bad." An hour later, we finally saw the nurse. I told her if she had good news for me then they seriously needed to change the way they did things around there. She told me that no, she didn't have good news for us. There was no sign of a hearbeat, although there was a fetal pole. She said development had probably stopped a week ago. I made a conscious effort to register what was said this time, and again, the midwife was very helpful and compassionate. In regards to her response, this experience was much better than the last. Still, I surprised myself by feeling anger. Anger that we were finding out in exactly the same manner--at some impersonal office with someone I barely know giving us unwelcome news. That I would have to face the same waiting and fears again the next time.

Again, our midwife was very helpful. She took care of every possible next step for us and even scheduled a new visit with one of the infertility specialists, which will be at the end of June. I need to send her a note of thanks today.

Well, that's the story, really. The story of another short life that God graciously added to our family, only from my very limited perspective and understanding. We have been praying for God to fulfill all the days he has for this little life. That is still our prayer. That, above all, this life will bring glory to the One who created it. The One who creates life has every right to take it away, even if it is painful, even if we do not understand why. Our family will be together for eternity! The length of this earthly life pales in comparison. And I still believe that we will be parents. And I still believe...still know...that God is good even if we never become "traditional" parents. This is just a small part of our story, and make no mistake, it is still a story of restoration. There are many more chapters to read yet, though, and at that time, we will see so much more beauty in this chapter. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. To the one who gives and takes away.

Thank you for being a part of our story. For cheering us on and supporting us in the dark times. For acknowledging with us that this is not the end.

Restoration: How does your garden grow? edition

Turns out my mourning for my garden was premature. Okay, so the flowers and hostas out front were in fact shredded and are slow in growing back, but the garden...well, to say I underestimated its resilience would be an understatement. Please come over and help me eat some salad. Lots and lots of salad. Lettuce/spinach anyone?
These pictures were taken almost a week ago, so now everything's even fuller. And I've had to use up my storebought lettuce this week. I've been working this month and we had rain, so I didn't go out to the garden for about a week. Imagine my surprise when I saw how quickly things had turned around! And our broccoli? Well, we did lose one plant, but...

Our prize plant, while the leaves are still somewhat broken and battered, is thriving again. See that head of broccoli in the middle? It's three times as big now. True story.

All in all, I'd say that one casualty from that crazy downpour of hail ain't too shabby! Well, one plant casualty anyway. Turns out the hail did poke several holes through our attic fan, leaving our attic exposed to the elements. And apparently the roof is beat up as well, so the insurance guy who came out to inspect the damage is recommending our roof be replaced. Plants...resilient. Roofs...not so much. But that's what insurance is for.

And now it's time for your quarterly edition of...drumroll please...Lily in the planter. The What Not to Do edition. Justin effectively managed to keep Lily from jumping up on the counter to get to her favorite lounging spot by resting a long tupperware lid over the top of the planter. But when we needed that tupperware lid for, well, tupperware, Justin decided to replace the lid with a kitchen towel. The lid...good idea. The towel...not so much.

Because a towel...only makes for an even more alluring bed."Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Perspective

The heart of the storm system that has been wreaking havoc across the country, taking lives and physical property, came within a few short miles of our home on Saturday. Sixty-two tornadoes touched down in this state, a few of them not too far from here. What we did get was hail. A short (3-minute?) burst that rained down a torrent of hail the likes of which I'm not sure I've ever seen in person. We're all healthy and safe and extremely thankful for a 2-car garage.

However.

I still mourned my own silly little loss.

Our formerly thriving garden.

I've had visions of blogging about our (almost completed) garden for a few weeks now. The last frost came and went a week or two ago, and we just picked up the last few things to plant the morning before the storm. We planted cilantro and parsley last week. Our broccoli had taken off like crazy, and the lettuce was looking fuller and healthy. I thought to myself the day of the storm that we should try to cover the garden. But we didn't. This was our prize broccoli plant.

I don't have much hope for its survival, and it's too late in the year to try to replant our broccoli, lettuce, and onions. Our azaleas, which were pretty close to their peak, took a big hit too. Sorry for the weird glare. Photographer I ain't.

I went to an out-of-town bridal shower today and passed through one of the towns that was hit by a tornado. Total destruction in the neighborhood off the main road. One house had nothing left but the foundation and stairs leading up to where the front door should have been. It seemed like the whole community was out to help clean up the mess.... The mess.... People's homes and lives and memories all reduced to rubbish. I needed a little perspective.

Somehow I think I've started equating our garden with my life. Last year seemed like the year I couldn't keep anything alive...a baby, our cat, and even our garden. We put a lot of work into preparing our garden this year, and it really seemed to be paying off. But I know that in the end, it really is just a garden. It is not a life or even a reflection of my life. I hope it will be a reminder to me to thank God for his blessings in my life and to pray for those who are hurting.

Sorry, BA. I wanted to get you the garden update you kept asking for. I don't even have a recent good picture. Drat my procrastination skills! This is about all I have--taken several weeks ago before everything started filling in and Justin put up a fence to keep Eddie out.

Time to start over with all the summer crops. Yay for tomatoes!

This post brought to you by random.com.

It's official

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, Justin and I have been trying for 18 months now to get pregnant. But this month completes a full year of trying post-miscarriage. Which makes it official, medically speaking: I am "infertile." I think I will host a party welcoming myself to the club. It's going to be the party of the century. I don't know how, exactly. Maybe I will hire out the circus. Suggestions welcome and appreciated. You're all invited, so you have a vested interest in making it totally awesome.

Anywho...

I have my first official infertility appt at the end of this month. Prayers welcome and appreciated.

Actually, I probably have an even greater need for prayers this month in general. You see, my good buddy BA transferred membership from the infertility club to the mommy club several months ago. Doctors were not able to help her, however. Of course, we both know that God is ultimately in control, but he is also a God of order. A God who has designed our bodies to work in certain ways. BA did quite a bit of research and, after discovering several studies linking gluten with infertility, decided to go gluten free to see if it had any effect. She also cut down on sugar, ate liver, and a few other funky things. Well, the change in diet did have an effect, and she was pregnant that month. So, I'm going to be a little funky too and give this whole thing a whirl. I did cut down on sugar last month, but that kind of flew out the window with the trip to England, and I probably just ended up eating the same amount of sugar as a normal person. So pray for me this month as I try this drastic diet change, will you? Pray for Justin! He's actually going to do this with me, but who knows what I might end up doing to my loved ones when I'm not drugged up on sugar. And if you have any tips/links/suggestions about going gluten free, please share! I need all the help I can get.

If you would like more info on BA's research, she just recently started what is already proving to be a fantastically informative site on kicking infertility naturally. Please feel free to pass it on! You just never know who it might help.

And consider yourselves invited to the party of the century. But we've got a lot of work to do. Planning the party of the century without sugar or bread just might be impossible.

Cheers

A few weeks ago we finally succeeded in taking advantage of a Space A flight to England! We even got to ride in Justin's jet. The trip over there was overnight, so we were able to waste away the hours with sleep. We were the only passengers, and Justin of course knew the crew (they were landing in England before spending a couple of months in the desert) , so it was fun times. And we actually landed in England! A great start to the trip. (Justin had to divert to Germany on his last deployment.)

We stayed with our friends Jake, Ieva, and Daniel (who turned 1 while we were there!) for most of the trip. Well, sort of. Jake was out of the country at the time, unfortunately for us.

We took the train into London our first full day there. The weather was gorgeous and absolutely not what I was expecting in England in March, but we really wanted to see Les Mis while we were there, so we did! It was pricey but was a great London experience. I was singing down the streets after the show all the way to our hotel! Crazy Americans.

Our hotel was just a tad bit tiny. We knew that going in, fortunately, but seriously, the room was so small that there were hooks on the walls where we had to hang our clothes.

I'm so glad we were able to take this trip when we did, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to see Beth! She's been working in London for three years and moved back to the states a week after our visit! She took us to a really cool pub with midget doors and lots of history, but I totally spaced out and forgot to take a picture there.

The next day (still gorgeous, but a little cooler) we decided to take a bus tour so we could actually get a feel for the city. Neither of us had been there before, and we had to take another bus back "home" that night.

We both really would have liked to go see the Tower of London, but that would have required at least half a day in itself. Maybe next time.

This is the Tower Bridge, not to be confused with London Bridge. Tower Bridge = Awesome. London Bridge = Boring. And totally not falling down, but we were okay with that.

There really are red telephone booths everywhere! And a few people were actually using them. I have to wonder if these will die out one day. It is pretty cool seeing pops of red everywhere, though, between the phone booths and the buses.

The day after we came home from London, Justin had his first experience driving on the left side of the road. Ieva was crazy and kind enough to lend us a car. Navigating was no easy feat either, especially for someone who is a poor navigator on home turf (that would be me).

We were on our way to Stratford-upon-Avon (the Bard's hometown, but more importantly, current home to my college roommate, Cat), but we stopped through Cambridge first where we went punting on the river behind all the colleges.

It was gorgeous and green!

We did make it to Stratford and were able to have dinner at another yummy pub with the lovely Cat. She had to rush off, though, because she (along with other Shakespeare Institute grad students) was putting on a performance of The Life and Death of King John. It was so much fun seeing her in that play! And seeing her in general, but seeing her in her element was pretty cool.

On the way from from Stratford the next day, we drove through the countryside and one town in the Cotswolds (aka, sheep country). It never rained, but we experienced our first overcast English day. I think it added to the appeal of the countryside, though.

This marketplace was opulent back in its day.

When we got back "home" to Jake and Ieva's, we partied with Daniel and friends for his birthday. It was good times. The next day was Sunday, so we went to church with Ieva. Their church is small and this was Justin's third time there, so he literally knew everyone already. Then we all had lunch together with other NC friends (Tim, Laurel, Colin, and Lucy). Justin and I stayed there overnight, and Laurel dropped us off on base for our flight the next morning. Colin, who is coming up on 4, and I had become good playmates, and he was a little upset to see us go. We were sad to go too! We were so blessed with the weather and Space A details and managing to see pretty much everyone. It was a great trip, all in all, and I hope we can make it back over there again!

Some days you just need a little poetry

Here's another post from the poetic Ann Voskamp. Come to think of it, I think her metaphors speak to me more than the writing itself.

Mondays are good days for pondering. And the recent events in Japan leave much to ponder.

And just in case you feel totally disconnected from an earthquake halfway across the world, Laura's post brings things a little closer to home. We're glad you are safe, Laura!

Why Lent?

This post says it better than I will. It is not about earning our salvation but about working it out. It is realizing how utterly incapable we are in and of ourselves to ever earn our own salvation.

Daily prayers

Well, folks, I did go ahead and add the Daily Prayers tab, as you may or may not have noticed. But I clearly know virtually nothing about blog design. I managed to create a separate tab/page, but it seems that I cannot add daily posts to that page. I can only create one post to edit day by day. Anyone know if it is possible to post to two separate pages and how to accomplish that little feat? Thanks, friends!

Link love

A while ago, I mentioned that I would really like to find a blog with a focus on gardening that has a format similar to a blog about design. Well, my sweet friend Kaylie sent me a link to a blog that pretty much fits the bill. And it's even written by another Okie! The blog is Aura Joon, and while her blog is most definitely not just about gardening, there are several posts about gardening under a gardening tab (and I enjoy all of her other posts). I can't really say that I learned more than a few tidbits of information about gardening, but her blog is a pleasure to read and to look at. She takes some really beautiful pictures and posts a few artsy/design things as well. In fact, one of her posts inspired me to do a little hunting and gathering on my walk with Eddie yesterday so that I wound up with this lovely, simple little arrangement.


One of these stems was from a wooded lot. Please don't ask about the other two. :)

I would definitely recommend Aura Joon's blog to pretty much everyone who checks in here (especially you, Sparky!). Her worldview is a little on the mystical side, but she always expresses a love for nature, life, and family that is truly infectious. Good times.

Through Aura Joon's blog, I found another food blog I am excited about as well, also with beautiful photos. Whole Family Fare lists simple (although occasionally time-consuming) recipes with just a few natural (not processed) ingredients. I wish I knew more about cooking this way, and I already have a few recipes picked out to try this week. I'll let you know how they go, whether you want to or not! Haha. Of course, it seems about right that the author of this blog has not posted a new recipe since I found it a couple of weeks ago, but I'm optimistic that she'll start back up again at some point. In the meantime, I can comb through the recipes she already has.

Speaking of updating you on recipes, I made the South Street Inn cookies last night. They turned out well but not as phenomenal as I remember. I think that means more tinkering is required. :) I did use a mix of wheat and regular flour, but I don't think that changed the flavor too much. And I need to get better about judging when a cookie is done. By the time they look done to me, after they cool off on the counter they are usually a tad overdone. Anyone have any tried and true methods for judging the "doneness" of a cookie?

Finally, dear friends, Lent starts tomorrow. I'm still thinking about (okay procrastinating on deciding) how to spend the 40+ days leading up to Easter contemplating the cross. One thing I am considering starting tomorrow is posting a daily prayer (under a separate tab) from Prayers of an Excellent Wife by Andrew Case. I believe there are 365 prayers, all of which are adapted from scripture. You can download the book for free here. If you would like to check in each morning and add each prayer to your prayer time for your husband, that would be lovely. Really, though, these prayers can be adapted for anyone the Lord lays on your heart--friend, family member, yourself.

While I would really like to use Lent to prepare my heart to focus on the true weight of Easter, I am also considering making a few other unrelated changes. One of them is giving up, or at least severely cutting down on, sugar. Scary, but this is really just a change that I should make for me. Because anyone who eats three bags of Cadbury mini eggs in one week might just have a *slight* problem.

And for anyone thinking about tackling Spring cleaning, I also came across this link this morning. If anyone needs/wants a little motivation and accountability in that area, this is the project for you. Five weeks, five hotspots. The first week is already underway and the hot spot is your bedroom closet. I might play along with this one too.

Think that's enough for one post? Me too. Hope something in here was useful to you!

Resolution updates: #3

My third resolution was to plan this year's garden before it was too late to put anything in the ground. And I have to say, while I am slightly behind the curve on a few crops, for the most part the planning is coming along pretty well! And I haven't even broken out into hives yet.

I started my planning by doing two things. First, I bought a gardening book from Lowe's that gives details on sowing, growing, and harvesting individual crops. Second, after two years of dragging my feet, I took advantage of a free soil sample test from our local Cooperative Extension office, which will let me know whether our soil is neutral, alkaline, or acidic so I will know what to add to amend it. The results won't be in for another week or two, but I'm glad to know that we won't just be throwing money into our garden without any idea of whether we are actually doing it any good. I also recently learned that most cities have a facility where residents can pick up free compost. I'll have to look into that pretty soon, because that would certainly save a nice chunk of change as well.

To decide which new crops to add to our garden this year, I combed through all the veggies mentioned in the book I bought for ideas. The book gave me several good tips on what would or would not withstand Southern summers as well as what to plant when. For example, I learned that I had missed the boat on planting garlic, because it takes 9 months to harvest and should be planted in the Fall. Oops.

So now it was time to map out our garden. Among the many happy little finds we stumbled across in Charlottesville, one of them was a magazine's mention of gardeners.com. This website offers both pre-planned garden maps and a tool for mapping out your own design. This was a huge help for me. Not only does this feature clearly identify how many seeds or plants should be planted in one square foot area, it also provides tips and dates for planting. After using this website, our planning was pretty much complete. We knew what we wanted to plant and what we had room for, and we also knew which plants we wouldn't be able to grow from seed because of lack of time.

Now the weeds have been tilled out of our poor neglected garden plot, and we have a few plants and seeds ready to go in the ground. Consider this your before picture. :) Eddie and Lily are happy to model this soon-to-be-filled space for you.


Where's the catnip?

On waiting

I have been feeling like there should be an update on the "Operation Family" front. While I wish I could announce good news, well, I am still waiting on that day.

I found out today that a friend of mine is going through a second miscarriage, and doctors are telling her that she will need to undergo genetic testing and may never be able to have a family. This news makes me almost as sad as if it were my own, perhaps because there's no way to know if it may one day be my own. At least at this point I can still tell myself, "One of these days." I can't imagine being surrounded by all things baby day in and day out with the knowledge that there may never be a day when you finally get to share in that.

I know this struggle can be hard to understand if you have never personally dealt with it. I know it might be easy to think nothing of or to wonder, "What's the big deal? It's only been a year. You still have time," especially if starting a family isn't even yet on your radar. I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day and thought I would post some of my thoughts here.

Part of the struggle is feeling more helpless than I have ever felt in my life. I constantly have to dismiss this fleeting feeling that I should be able to look something up on the Internet or have Justin come home and tell me that I'm pregnant, like it can be that easy. Or like I can have any control over it at all. But, obviously, I can't. And every time that two-week period rolls around where I am waiting to see if, just maybe, our waiting has come to an end, it is two weeks of analyzing every little feeling in my body. I try to turn it off, but I can't. It is two weeks of mind games and trying to rest in God's sovereignty and timing. And then I find out that it will be another 40 days of waiting, most likely followed by more waiting. And then all my unfounded and unwanted optimism comes crashing down to finish the latest rollercoaster ride. And through it all I plead with God that he would be enough for me. And every time I feel like I fail him when my emotions betray that he is not.

I have never been one to worry obsessively and sit around pondering what ifs. And that is a blessing in this case because several what ifs drift to mind every now and then. What if something is wrong with my body and if/when I finally do get pregnant I have another miscarriage? What if it's a problem that can't be fixed? What if getting pregnant is a struggle every time? Can we have as many kids as we would like to have? Can we have any kids at all? It is hard not to look ahead to the future.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, the wait to this point hasn't been "that long." And despite not dwelling on what ifs, the idea of them still makes the wait seem even longer because there are too many unknown tomorrows. I know that one day, when this period of waiting is past, I will have perspective, and this season will no longer feel so long, but that day is not today. All I can do is pray that it comes quickly and keep pleading with God to be enough.

And he is enough, dear friends, whatever you may be struggling with or waiting on. And he can use our struggles in amazing and mighty ways, beyond anything we could ever imagine. But the waiting is hard. Laying down our emotions day by day and sometimes minute by minute to believe that God has our best interests and concern for our holiness and happiness at heart is hard. But it is the only thing worth clinging to--in the trying times and in the good times.

When the good times come, let us not forget.

Monthly wallpaper calendars

http://www.challies.com/resources/free-desktop-wallpaper-calendars-march-2011

Justin and I have been using these on our laptops for a few months now. I love the variety of designs, the focus on certain aspects of each month, and the calendar can be pretty handy too.

Take a look. I expect you'll find something you like!

Resolution updates: #1

I have to confess that I have not been 100% faithful to my recent resolutions. But I have done much better than I expected, and they have been consistently on my mind (sometimes in the back of my mind, but still there, nonetheless). All in all, I am grateful I took the time to make these resolutions because they have made a significant difference.

My first resolution was daily, substantial prayer. I was faithful in this until Justin came home. During his two weeks off work and out of our normal routine, however, I let my prayer time slide, on the premise that there just wasn't a convenient time (which is really not a legitimate excuse). Plus, we were able to pray together. But Justin went back to work today, and I reinstated my prayer time.

I wish I had recorded all of the things I made note of during those first few weeks of regular prayer. Mostly, though, I found that it was important for me to be intentional about putting God first as soon as I wake up, laying down my desires, and making a conscious effort to acknowledge my sin, which I so effortlessly gloss over without intentional prayer. I need prayer to love God more, to love my husband more, to love others more. Another thing I noticed when I started praying specific things for Justin is that I noticed how God was answering those prayers, and I paid more attention to the things that are important to Justin, instead of mentally checking out because I was stuck in my unchecked life-is-all-about-me mentality.

So, for those of you who commented to say that you would also appreciate some accountability in that regard, how are things going? Feel free to comment here or send me an email, whatever you are comfortable with.

Lent is another thing that has been in the back of my mind a lot over the past month or so. Ash Wednesday (March 9) will kick off Lent in a little over a week. I want to give up some bad habits, probably computer related, and replace them with good, God-honoring habits. I have been trying to be conscientious of my time/habits without making any hard and fast resolutions. BUT, I think Lent is the perfect time to change that. Would you think and pray about a commitment(s) to make, too, if you are so inclined? Preferably something not food related, unless that really is an area where you feel like you have not been God-honoring. I would love for a few of us to be able to encourage each other to take steps to "put off [our old selves]... and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph 4:22-24).

Vacation finds

We just arrived back home yesterday after a secret getaway planned by my oh-so-thoughtful husband. He took us to Charlottesville, VA! Home of the University of Virginia, Monticello, and endless supplies of local/organic foods. It was on the cold side, but the mountains (large hills?) there are still quite beautiful. We stumbled across several firsts on this trip that I have been eager to share. Unfortunately, I have no pictures to enhance these finds, though, because we left town without our camera!

1. 200 South Street Inn. Almost a B&B but not quite. They have discounted rates a few weeks out of the year, and this just so happened to be one of those weeks. There are two buildings, 12 or so individualized rooms (some with fireplaces, some with jacuzzi tubs like ours), a common room with a fireplace as well as a nice big porch to sit out on when the weather is warmer, and lots of yummy goodies to munch on throughout the day. There is no formal breakfast, which is why this is almost a B&B, but there is a breakfast spread available all morning long, including homemade breads and granola and yummy little rolls called popovers. In the evening they put out wine, fruit, and a spread of gourmet cheese. We did enjoy trying all the fancy types of cheese we would never pay for regularly at home, but the best treat of all--and possibly the best part of our entire stay there--was the always fresh supply of homemade cookies left out all day long at the front desk. These were quite possibly the best cookies I have ever eaten...even better than Justin's! Which is saying something. And that brings me to Find #2.

2. 200 South Street Inn Cookie Recipe. The employees at the inn were very gracious in sharing as many of their recipes as we wanted to take. (The popovers, by the way, are a Martha Stewart recipe with only 5 ingredients. The woman who made them omitted the butter and added whatever leftover cheese they had on hand.) After consuming probably a dozen cookies each during our 3-night stay, you can bet we jumped at the chance to get the recipe. I was surprised to see that the recipe for these oatmeal chocolate chip walnut cookies is surprisingly simple. We found the best batches of cookies to be those with few to no walnuts (perhaps they were just more finely ground) and slightly overdone, which made the texture simply irresistible. I am curious to find out whether my oven (not a convection oven like theirs) will produce the same results. So, without further ado:

200 South Street Inn Cookie Recipe

2 3/4 cups all purpose flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar

1 cup butter, softened

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 Tbsp milk

2 tsp vanilla

2 1/2 cups old fashioned oats

2 cups chocolate chips

1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Combine four, baking soda, and salt in a small bowl. Beat brown sugar, butter, and sugar in large

bowl until creamy. Add eggs, milk, and vanilla. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Add in oats, nuts, and chocolate. Mix well.

Chill dough in fridge at least an hour before baking to help the cookies "set up."

Drop by rounded teaspoon onto a cookie sheet, about 9 per sheet, as the cookies spread out quite a bit. Bake at 325 for 10-14 minutes.

You're welcome.

3. Apple cider and "the next Honey Crisp apple." Justin decided to go to a farm that advertised tastings of "true" apple cider. Well, it turns out that "true" apple cider is alcoholic and is similar to wine. The overwhelming taste in wine to me is a bitter taste from the alcohol. The same proved true for the apple ciders. I was not a fan. Justin wasn't terribly impressed either, but we are unsophisticated bumpkins in that particular area, so I don't expect many people to agree with our assessments there.

However, we were treated to a taste of "the next Honey Crisp apple," which we were both completely won over by. We ended up taking home several of these wonderfully sweet with just the right amount of tart Gold Rush apples. If you are picky about apples like I am, I highly recommend keeping an eye out for these.

There were other firsts of course and other things I could recommend from our trip, but those were the biggies. We really enjoyed Charlottesville and definitely recommend a vacation there!

Oh yes...and...Why I need my dear husband

Ever since Justin left, the shower has been draining rather slowly. I have been taking combination shower/baths for the last two months. When Justin came home, he reminded me to make sure that the lever that opens and closes the drain is fully engaged. And just like magic, it's fixed! A Valentine's Day miracle.

For the past two weeks, one of the garage doors has not been working. I could open and close the door with the wall button, but none of the garage door remotes would work. Highly annoying. Fortunately, this was not going on for the whole time he was gone. Turns out the "lock" button on the wall button prevents the remotes from working. Go figure. Another magic fix.

Those are just the most "magical" fixes. This place has been falling apart without him!

I am still in a posting mood but...

I took a little trip to Alabama and now the husband is home. :)

I shall pick it up again fairly soon. Don't try to pretend that you don't check this site every day, in eager anticipation. I know better.

*Totally kidding.*

Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day!